The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience

There are two things on my mind right now. Chetan Bhagat and a certain "matrimonial website"

It's totally fixed,  Sreesanth promise.

Many of my bachelor friends have spent countless hours recalling the nightmares they've had after seeing the Chetan Bhagat Ad showing
a "healthy" guy (suspiciously resembling me) dancing in a high society party to impress this girl he's with. First of all, you're setting the wrong expectations, and I should be able to sue them if I don't get a similar girl. Two, I should be paid to watch Chetan Bhagat Ads. Didn't we pay to read his life stories?

However, finding your "dream partner" online is an intriguing concept, especially the part where they say "Love, arranged by Shaadi.com". Its one of the most amazing ideas I have ever heard of, right after my all time favorite idea of tying myself up with a Hungry Python, lighting myself on fire and jumping in front of a speeding truck in the middle of Western Express Highway.

But since am a fan of such challenges, I did log on to the website, in search of the "dream partner".

Unfortunately, the website has...
1. No Cheerleaders from the US, or Latin Salsa Dancers
2. No Deepika Padukone or Sonam Kapoor
3. No "Likes Fat people" filter either

This is like those "80% OFF MEGA CLEARANCE SALE" where the only thing on 80% off is a size 3, Pink with yellow stripes handkerchief.

Worse, I kept getting prompted by the site to enter more details like "Height", "Weight", "Body type" etc. If I had to really fill in those numbers, I think I'd do better in a matrimonial site for deformed elephants. So I just rounded off the details and put in ball park stuff.

6'2, 70kg, Athletic Muscular build.

But I was just warming up. When I started "searching" for profiles (And if you do this on Facebook they call it stalking, the difference being, here you pay Rs 4000 for it and don't get arrested) I was going to come across the murder of logic as we know it.

Sample this - "I am cute bubbly girl and want good friend who will love me and cherish me and take care of me. I can cook and I like reading, travelling, music and movies" If I add "likes cute puppies, handbags and shoes" you get the general definition of half the population of the country.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the individual's capacity to write (Except that Italian Muggle Orangutan 40 year old Youth leader of ours) but I think the only details the website took into account in its filter was that I was a male.

Is this kind of modern sufficient?

I also discovered another great truth. Like all resumes have the famed "I want to work to the best of my abilities and learn and grow with the company..." type mission statement, All Parents have one too. The Groom should be "From a cultured family with modern outlook and traditional values and respects elders and will love my daughter and will not drink and has good job"

What the hell does that mean?!! How am I supposed to define these things?!!

Maybe...

"Yes, I will be the only guy you will find who will want to marry your daughter AND love her also. The rest are all here on this site to marry people to hate them."

"Here, use my cigarette lighter to light the lamp for Ganapati Bappa's Pooja"

"Let me use my credit card to pay for this, but I will calculate the price of this iPad using Vedic Mathematics, carefully avoiding the Rahu Kalam"

"Yes she can wear Mini Skirt whenever she wants but only in the auspicious time of 3.30 am on Tuesdays on an empty stomach"

"OK sweetheart, am off to touch the feet and take the blessings of the 37 elders in our society and then get a spine replacement."

And every time I go back to the site, I find "matches" "2 way matches" "Reverse Matches" popping out at me trying to make me click something or the other. I am almost sure that the guys who do the coding for this site are the same ones responsible for IIPM topping the IIM's in those surveys they conduct every year.

I am surprised you duped us like this Chetan Bhaiya. Well, guess who's not getting invited to my wedding. Ha.

Cheers
M



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All material is copyright protected. The above content is based solely on my personal opinions and are meant as satirical take on my experiences. 

Man who hates steel - Movie review

Am coming out fresh from a viewing of the most awaited, hyped Christopher Nolan's "Man of Steel" with a new superman, a new theme and a new, well not so original but nonetheless different title.

Fan boys of Nolan can stop reading now. I know how you are going to feel, because as an Apple Fan Boy I know how it feels when people make these critical remarks on Apple. Of course I just laugh it off and come home and stick needles in my voodoo dolls (I have quite a collection). But then that's me.

And to make things clear, I like Nolan movies.

So ready or not here it comes. (SPOILERS AHEAD)

I rated the movie 5 star out of 10 on IMDB. Basically because it doesn't give me an option to have negative ratings, and I haven't rated movie lower than 6 yet. Also before I explain my views, let me give you an idea of how I watch movies.

Hollywood Action - Popcorn and Coke
Hollywood Comedy - No Popcorn and Coke, owing to expected laughter and hence spillage
Hollywood Romance - Expect Skin Show
Bollywood Action - Expect Cars blowing up
Bollywood Romance - Hope no one shows skin
Bollywood Comedy - Leave brains at home
Jackie Bhagnani  Movie - Stay at home

Man of Steel for the first 25 minutes is interesting. It's a nice plot and intriguing. Then it goes all haywire to some damned planet trying to save itself, and Star Trek like stuff and then there's an evil villain who looks like a square Stone Cold Steven Austin, swearing revenge like some South Indian villain. At this point, I am still interested.

Cut to super hero child hood, miracle miracle, self doubt and life and blah blah. The problem with this part, and I'd expect it to be the most strongest character part is that its in too little bits and pieces and is just irritating. Lame dialogues add to the misery. At this point am looking for food.

I am Man of Steel. I thrash Buildings.

Lois Lane plays a nice cameo as a Tough-Smart-Ass-Media-Bitch-Sunny Leone type thing before turning into a good girl with a hint of warm Apple pie. Melts at the mere mention of Superman's sad confused life story. Stupid. At this point am checking out the crowd.

Add a generous helping of flying objects, 70% of crashing buildings and more buildings falling, burning buildings, buildings making out with other buildings etc. In this chaos, villains henchmen (in G I Joe costume, no less) fight Superman in the streets of the city. All the while, yes you guessed it, more thrashing buildings, cars, shops, trucks etc with no concern or thought to people IN THOSE BUILDINGS. We know they are sets, but at least act like they're not. I think it should have been named "Man who hates Steel Buildings". At this point am suicidal.

The only difference is that the Army, FBI, CIA, IA, Special Ops, Navy Seals, Marines, SWAT, etc are NOT shown as the only answer to world problems. In fact, they are almost friendly and defer to Superman. (WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with these people?!!!)

Enter villain. And Giant Flying object with pathetic name. Add more crashing buildings, yada yada yada, fight fight, superman does some self belief course, beats the bad machine, and finally a long one on one with the villain, who he kills by twisting the neck in the last minutes. (Note: Superman almost destroyed the city fighting villain henchmen by bashing them with other stuff)

Finally, Superman gets a job at the media agency that Lois Lane works in. Clark Kent. Tadaaaah!!!

Phew.

But its a great movie if you are in the architecture business or like watching buildings blowing up and all that. Also, the Sunny Leone comment above was a joke. Don't go to watch the movie expecting that. Ain't happening.

There's this hilarious part of Superman's Costume as well, but whatever.

Of course Henry Cavill makes a better superman. But that's about it. Give me Wolverine and Dark Knight any day.

Please go watch the movie. Am sure some part of you will still want to watch it. Let me know how it went in the comments below.

Cheers
M

People and Mannequins

It's been a long time, this time around. Apart from my vast life changing experiences with a large number of random auto rickshaw drivers, and of late, marathi-spewing-change-demanding bus conductors, I don't see anything that has drastically made a dent in my parallel conscious. Until Now.

Part of my job includes meeting different people to understand why they do what they do (vague enough to avoid complications) any way, sometimes conversations get a tad too personal and you can't just walk out of there. You just nod and listen and mumble something, or your stomach does it for you. But Not me.

I have this weird "keeda" of putting my nose in other peoples problems and issues. It's like this non retractable poking mechanism, that once poked doesn't come out unharmed. So you start telling me your sob stories, and I'll make you wanna say more. I'll just listen and listen and listen, and your every being will want to say more till your all dried out. Let's just say I am blessed with those special facial features, like Oprah's eyebrows.

Did I mention butterflies? Yes, my attention span that is. So sometimes midst all these chaotic things, I zone out in to a different world. A world of what if's and why's. What if I had not left Bahrain? What if I had kept in touch with all my cool childhood friends? What if Obama was White?

In one such recent instance, I was browsing through Facebook after ages, stalking good looking people and old friends (not connected) when I saw marriage wishes, and travel schedules and photos, and private jokes. Liked by 30 people of whom 20 I know, yet I couldn't really say I knew them. I so wanted to, but it was just not possible. It was in the past.

Have you ever been one of those kids in school - when everyone's talking in a group and you're the one who enthusiastically nods your head in all directions but have no clue whats really happening? Or the kids who joins a gang of cool people to play a prank and ends being caught but having no clue in reality?

Funny how things end up. One person gets displaced as if its required and then you just sit there and wait. Much like our Advani ji. Poor fellow.

Twitter has been a buzz with all kinds of outrage. I mean what else does Twitter do anyway. I mean you either outrage or hit on people. And then in other news iOS7 came out, which was cool. Finally they do something that everyone has already done and pretend that no one knows about it.

One of India's most popular Mannequins

I also don't get this Arnab Goswami's perpetual problem with everything. He has to, and I mean absolutely has to pick on someone every day or he just can't sleep. I hope he doesn't do this in real life too. Could you imagine Arnab getting all riled up at a mannequin in women's undergarments? In Shoppers Stop?



"THE NATION NEEDS TO KNOW, WHY IS THIS MANNEQUIN WEARING UNDERGARMENTS? WHO IS BEHIND THIS SCHEME? WHAT IS THE GOVERNMENT HIDING? TONIGHT ON THE NEWSHOUR..." and then he'd call in his expert panel of 3 play schoolers,  a blind cat, a washing machine and a sock. And never let them speak.

Sigh. This post is just so random. I need to get off twitter. Am almost beginning to feel disturbed at these facebookiyas.

Laters
M

Is this the phone 6 ?

Recently Samsung launched its eye-blink-scroll technique Samsung S4. I would have rather blinked my eyes for better benefits, but no ones listening. While you would have already seen the Phone 5 these phones don't really have something that will blow your mind. I mean big camera, lost of pixels, some fancy eye scroll thingy, thin design, the usual. That's what every one does.

But let me know introduce to you the most awesomest technology masterpiece ever. I have a friend who has a friend who's aunt's cousins sister-in-laws third brother's grandfathers daughters veterinarian has a guy who (once cleaned his car) knows this truck driver that happened to park in front of the Appl Store and overheard something about Eye 6. So this is totally reliable proof of the existence of this device. (By Chinese standards)

Now that we have the reliability of this information out of the way let me give you a quick peep into the features of this beauty, code named Project BJ

Measuring a mere 7.6 mm thick (About 3 cupboards smaller than the first telephone) this device has a Retina Display that is about 2000 pixels per inch. Your photos will never look so much brighter, the micro scars from the black head you squeezed out a month ago ever so clear again. Also included is the Large Screen that measures 4 inches but it looks like 10 inches when held next to a mirror. There is an inbuilt app that enables you to mirror the image in the mirror, so your screen is actually infinitely large. So it depends on how big your mirror actually is. (You can also choose to buy the iMirror at the online store)

The Processor is a 1.7 Ghz dual core processor that is super fast. Playing Temple Run (Part 21) and Angry Birds - Part 7-but-still-throwing-birds-at-pigswill never be the same.  It comes with the latest 6G LTE built in, so you can experience internet like never before (Actually it never will be like before as we always ensure that we have technology thats better and faster than your country carrier can ever provide you, and when they do, we'd already be on 27G or something. Awesome, no?)

On the back of the iPhone we have an AMAZING 12 mega pixel Camera Holder for our awesome iCamera (sold separately). We believe that you need a truly amazing camera experience, and we have created a unique device that can beat even the best DSLR's in the market. (Head over to our store now!!!)

But the beauty of this device is in the iOS. Introducing Version 7. Siri now has options for Sheela, Munni, Lola Kutty, Chandler, Yoko, MJ and also Grumpy Cat. Twitter has been integrated in, so no matter what you are doing, the twitter app posts a tweet on your behalf. It's so smart, you don't even have to tell it what to tweet. It picks up your location, labels it as per the frequency of your visit, the microphone picks up the sound and then posts it as per the number of times you touched the phone. (Imagine never having to type a tweet from the Loo!!!)

Some unique features include

1. Close your eyes when you sleep. When you open them, the screen will already be on!!!
2. It detects when you are out of your regular network coverage and completely shuts down all cellular data, saving you millions in telephone bills
3. App Store - We've been counting on this since the first iPhone. Like 6 years ago. Still will for the next few. We are that consistent.
4. iCloud - Sync your apple devices to the cloud and have your ipad, ipad mini, ipad micro, itouch, ifeel, ipod, iwatch, ifridge, imac, ipack, isofa, i.... AND HAVE ALL THE SAME STUFF ON IT. EVERY TIME.  LIKE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Awesome, no?
5. Customizable screens - You can now move around your apps all over the screen!!! In different formations of 4*4, 4*4 and 4*4!!!

More than 76,003 features and updates included. It's available in 16GB, 32GB and 64GB. (Please note, iOS takes up about 15.8 GB)

All this awesomeness, at a price of just 2 kidneys and one spleen. Special offers running now where you can pay with one kidney, and installments of 5 fingers / Toes / Eyeballs / Liver every month.

Grab it now. It's the best thing that happened to IPhone since the Industrial Revolution.

Follow up post coming soon.

Cheers
M

The Oscars and Vada Pav

This is one of those posts that is being written because my counters says I haven't written anything in March. But unlike Zero Dark Thirty or Lincoln, won't be nominated for an Oscar because it doesn't have EPIC characters like Osama bin laden or that legendary fellow on the Dollar. Both movies establishing the glory of the same nation has of course, as in all disclaimers, nothing to do with the Oscar nominations.

Also ever since Jennifer Lawrence has won the Oscar, I have shifted loyalties from Mila Kunis to Jenni Baby. So "Bure Nazar wale thera muh Kamal R Khan" Stay away or I shall unleash the Farmville and Mafia wars invites on you.

This year I caught the Oscars in the evening. I've reached that age where you don't really give a shit about anything that does not directly affect you. Like Elections.However, the real reason I watched the Oscars in the first place was to see which movie would bag the Oscar, and then accordingly change my opinions on the movies that were nominated. Hence this post is suitably delayed.

I recently got asked if Lincoln won the Oscar. I said yes. The person promptly went on to say that it was great movie and it was no surprise that it bagged both the Academy awards and the Oscars. If I wasn't for the Vada Pav in my hand..... Lucky weapons aren't sold in supermarkets in India. (Idea #3763 Hathyaar bazaar, bandook ke saath bullet free - Kishore Biyani, please note)

Speaking of Vada Pav. Am sure ANYONE, who has had a Vada Pav in Mumbai, will know that while the Vada can be replaceable with Samosa, Podi, etc, the PAV CANNOT BE REPLACED BY A BUN.

Repeat, A POTATO CUTLET IN A BUN/BREAD/ROLL IS NOT VADA PAV. And people who go ga ga about this Terrorist, Infiltrating, Infidel food item are the same ones who ask for Dum Biryani at Legacy of China. Buhledy Food Rapists.

The Pav is an exquisite piece of Indian bread that's meant specially for gastronomical delights like Burji, Chai and Vada Pav. Please don't desecrate the sanctity of this marvel of palette engineering by supporting fraud examples. Would you ever go to a "Inkaar" or a "I, me aur main" and expect facial expressions from John or Rampal? No right? ( I mean, how can you expect the impossible, overkill I guess) So please, I know you love your "Potato-cutlet-bun" but if its not a Pav, its just not.

In other news, India is planning a ban on all Italian food items and restaurants. Well at least Kerala is probably. I mean, I know they treat this country like it belongs to their daughter or something, but hey, who sends under-trials TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR HOLIDAYS? Mercy and goodwill ? They Shot 2 of your citizens you nutcases!!! That ways you should have sent Kasab home for Eid no? So, in line with this thought, all Pizzerias now become Pitja-da-dhaaba and all "Italiano Cuisine" become "Eat-all-no-Kissing". Okay?

Parting note, I vote for Vada Pav as the national snack. Right behind Onion Uthappa.

Cheers
M

Digital Colours - The Eye

Digital Colours - Autumn

Where Am I from?

I usually get into spells of immense thinking. It's like a phase, where  my left brain and right brain have conversations that ultimately give me a backache. Blame it on Acupuncture. (That Pin poking thingy)

It was in one of these sessions that I was absolutely convinced that in a previous birth I must've been a driver of some sorts. Taxi or Auto, but one of the two for sure. That must be the reason why I keep meeting so many drivers with so many interesting stories to tell, which make me go "Ahaaa" to which the driver promptly replies "Kai zala?" in Marathi.

Anyways, the topic of today's brain freeze conversation is "Where am I from?"

There are these standard questions that people ask you and you promptly have an answer pop into your head. Visually at least.

For e.g

Q - Hey Whats up
A - Nothing, you tell.

Q - What's your favorite colour?
A - Blue / I don't know

Q - Who's hotter? Anushka or Deepika?
A - Megan Fox / Angelina Jolie (By God's grace at least now she will retire from those buhledy worlds hottest lists)

Q - I have Scotch and Vodka, what will you have?
A - Do you have beer?

Q - Saw any movies recently?
A - *Image of that movie that friend of your friend gave you on that pen drive that everyone's been sharing* No.

Q - Kya Aapke toothpaste main namak hai?
A - Haan saale, Sambhar powder bhi hai, khayega kya? (Rhetorical, am not offering)

Q - Where are you from?
A - Err. Heard of Shimoga? How about Mangalore? Karnataka? Yes am a Madarasi, Thank you.


Truth be said, I have been around. Spent an equal amount if time in the Gulf, in Udupi/Manipal, at Bangalore and now what looks like its going to be quite some time in Mumbai. While I borrowed a lot from them, none of them has left a mark that's deep enough to be called home.

For example, I loved the places in Manipal that I used to spend so much time at with my friends. In Bangalore it was all about enjoying the lovely weather and the ease of travel (Yes come to Mumbai, it's like going to space in a cycle rickshaw) Bahrain was all about school time memories. And now Mumbai, well we're just getting started.

I don't think I've ever answered the question about "Where are you from?" in one line.

The most recent being my explanation to an Expat that India is divided into "Zones" depending on what people eat. Idlis? - Madrasi. Chaats? Mumbai. Momos? Definitely from East (Don't even have a place) and Tandoori chicken. Delhi. If you eat bullets and bombs, probably way up north in "Paradise on Earth"

Just FYI, I like all the above. Am like the public buffet that everyone eats free off and then cribs - Definitely Indian.

Anyways, Next time someone asks me where am from, I guess I'll just say that. Indian.

Cheers
M

The Truth behind the SRK Controversy

As you may have heard recently, King Khan has been asked to shift home base to across the border in case he felt unsafe in India. This invitation came from a leader of a organization of "questionable"* repute*

( Repute* refers to "media"/"Don't-kill-me-am-quoting-Wikipedia" lingo for an organization that has been  marked as a terrorist outfit by USA, UK, Russia, Australia, European Union, United Nations and the leader who has a 10 million dollar bounty on his head in one of those US Terrorist Bucket lists.

*Questionable refers to his patrons who STILL say there is no proof against him and that they cannot arrest him. These are the very same patrons who said we are fighting terror and are absolutely sure that Osama was not hiding there, till the US came and shot Osama bin Laden in their own back yard)

Sorry for the detour. Where was I? Ah yes SRK shifting and all.

Honestly if this offer had come after Ra One, I wouldn't of thought twice of packing this fellow off, just for putting us through that scene with Arjun Rampal. Yes, "that" scene. But the songs were Okay, and I had good laughs for a few months, so you are forgiven.

In midst all this controversy, in comes the now famous for his foot-in-mouth comments, the inferior interior minister who says he is concerned about SRK's safety. To put in mildly - Why don't you sniff up who's blowing up people in your own country instead of worrying about our citizens, eh? Are you seriously saying that of all the people who elected you as a politician (God alone knows why) in your country, you are bothered about a celeb in our country? Very Suspicious, wouldn't you say?

Also, the minister says he wants to remind us and I quote, "I would like to request all Indian brothers and sisters and all those who are talking negative way about Shah Rukh, they should know he is a movie star."

Umm...Yes you Idiot, he is a movie star. We've seen from his stuttering days to his current stretch-my-arms-and-romance days. However, may I remind you, he is an Indian first. Also, we are not your brothers and sisters, at least am not. How about you pay a little more attention to all the "negative" shit you guys are doing at the LOC, before you come barging in on Bollywood like you barge in across the border every now and then?

Come to think of it, I would have made a counter offer to some of your people to come here and stay safe, especially those famous leaders who are declared terrorists globally, but of whom you seem to have no proof. They could live in Tihar and have world class Biryani. That Kasab fellow must have written to you guys no? Oh wait, I forgot. You abandoned him to die the moment he left your borders.

Frankly, looking at all the above, I think this is all related to with one thing, and only one thing.

Keep your grubby hands off SRK. He will not dance in any of your weddings.

Cheers
M

PS - Try Saif, after Race 2, he'll probably need it.

Welcome to 2013

Hello there!!!

I see that you have survived the Mayan end of the world and moved back into the continuing, modern-man-made end of the world. I hope you had a great new year, full of alcohol, mad partying, and crazy fun like Rahul Baba had till he was actually "given" a "position" of responsibility in a party that his family has basically founded.

I hope you get the Rahul Baba inference. I can actually name him, its not that am scared or something, but...err...I don't want to DIE.

Or be arrested under some IT law and then having to put you all through ARNAB's - THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW....etc.

This year so far has been amazing. Seriously, can you imagine having to feel cold in Mumbai? In End January? Ever? Spicy Vada Pav's and Chai have never felt so rewarding.

Of course I wouldn't know since I wake up after the sun is pretty high up there, but I have heard from reliable sources. Like my watchman who is dressed in 4 layers of clothing and makes some saluting hand gesture when I cross. Or maybe he's trying to find his eyebrows under 2 mufflers, 1 monkey cap & 2 skull caps.

Meh. (That's twitter lingo for whateva, which is hip talk for whatever)

Also discovered was Hamley's Toy Store. I spent a total of 3 hours there and got into a fight with a 10 year old on a Lego block set that I had my sights on for like 17 years. After taking it while the kid was distracted, I had to walk all around the store to avoid attention for 2 hours. These kids today have no sense of respect for elders at all. I wonder how his parents can leave a kid in a toy store unsupervised like that. Yelling and Shouting and throwing all the things for a silly Lego block set. You'd think these kids would act more matured.

Anyways, I spent new years with my parents for a change. (A big change, it's been like 15 years) No Internet, no mobile connectivity, home made food, Dad's barbecue, some books and a cat that thinks that I'm a big pillow, for company. Quite a change from previous years. I also have deviated from tradition where I had a cribbing disappointing heartbroken narration of my achievements of the previous year.

And before you know it, you're at the end of month 1 in the new year. Salary time.

May the new year make more sense than the previous. Cheers!!!
M

Kingdom Come

Image Credits - Google

It's a lovely day for chocolate
All dark, bitter and free
The Sun is warm and perfect
The waves gently tickle my feet

Ham & Eggs on the table,
Before the sun gets all high
A never ending Caipiroska sweats
My Beer lets out a sigh

I walk through the French Windows
The curtains make way for the breeze
Sands disappear & sprawling lawns arise
Dogs look happy and fine

The early stars shine through the open roof
The Pool is quite comforting
Exit through the hidden waterfall
Into a Den, my play world

A new book, I muse over a phrase
Into the life size Aquarium, I gaze
The moon light peers in through the palms
Overseeing the cities crystal maze

The Custom-made shines bright black
Below the canopy of the Tree house
A Cabinet full of Muay Thai trophies
My Mind, it's a digital mouse

The Boys and Girls come over
Cheering for our good old Chelsea
The Party's just begun
And it's getting Guetta Crazy

Reality is limited to your imagination,
The kingdom is to your pocket
Mine however, is on her way
Till then...

It's a lovely day for chocolate

How to fight Corruption in India? From the Top.

Let me begin this post with a story.

The Auto I got into was driven by a young chap. Maybe 20 years old. And he was furious. Very Very Mad and it took him all of 5 seconds to engage me in a conversation which had him talking and me "huh huh'ing" all the way. For sake of this post, lets call him Raju.

The object of Raju's anger was a ticket that he was handed by a traffic cop in the morning. From his explanation, I understood that this cop kept picking on him and the other auto drivers on some flimsy issue or the other. Like lack of documents, non functioning indicators, cutting signals etc. ( Let me point out, these violations were considered flimsy by Raju, not me. In my opinion violations are violations, no matter how small or large.)

While he tried his best to "adjust" the matter with the cop, he refused and cut the auto driver a ticket. Because of this, the auto driver had to roam the courts the whole day and pay a fine of 1500. His fury at having lost a day's earnings and having to be noted in the court was so huge, that he proudly showed me a mean hockey-like stick under his seat. He vowed to teach the cop a "lesson" and narrated stories of how these cops catch these auto wala for stupid things like faulty indicators, broken lights, old meters, and sometimes do it deliberately when they refuse to pay the bribe, or to increase the bribe.

On this occasion, the cop had given him the ticket and did not agree to "adjust". And Raju strongly felt because it was some personal agenda, though he couldn't say what it exactly was.

That was the story. But it raised grave questions in my mind. On the life stages of corruption. How can you tackle corruption?

Taken from here

First and foremost, who is giving these auto guys driving licences? even when they don't know the basic regulations? Obviously some RTO official whose hands are greased and does not do the due diligence. Why does he take a bribe? Because he has probably paid a huge one to get the plum posting. Plum for two reasons, one it's a Government job, and second the additional "implied" income. So why did the person who "Arranged" for the plum posting take a bribe? Well, there are too many applicants, he has control over the situation, and merit based job offerings hardly exist. Also someone has given him the task of appointing people that will bow to his masters will, therefore starting another chain in itself. Now multiply this one scenario across government organizations, and you will realize why it is a self feeding system, and why a few honest and upright people cannot affect large scale change.

Now the other part. The Cop who refused to take a bribe and cut the ticket. Let's assume that he is honest guy and for a change wanted to be honest. What are the possible risks he has taken? One, being "marked" out as the honest one that can create a problem amongst his peers. Two, an auto driver has the guts to scheme against an upholder of the law. The numbers are definitely in favor of the auto walas.

But honestly, tell me, who is the major money maker here? Is it the cops? Or is it the Government office? Everyone in the system at the middle or the bottom, has a reason or need to do it. (Am not justifying corruption)

But what about the people at the top?

What about those who make law, and the ones who decide, the ones who rule. The Ones that WE elect?

If you tell me, that these top guys can make money and siphon off money to all parts of the world, but cannot  change a corrupt system, I beg to differ.

Instead of getting 100 crore + people to change, why can't we ensure that 500+ elected representatives, and their like at the state level to change a system?

A baby born into this world is not born corrupt and dishonest. It's the system that turns them into corrupt people. Education may teach a child what is right and what is wrong, but out of the school, everything is the reverse. At every point the child see's just the opposite of what is being taught in school.

I hope I have made sense to the larger audience.

This time around, please make two choices to change this country.

1. VOTE
2. Vote for the right candidate, a person who is not corrupt, has no criminal cases, and is not part of a party that has corrupt officials in it. Remember, an honest person in a corrupt party cannot remain honest for long.

Of course, this does not absolve us from being corrupt ourselves. This also does not mean that we sit back and blame the ones at the top. The only point I am making is that you can do a greater deal by Voting right, and encouraging people to vote right.

Jai Hind.
M

Toilet Ratios and more

The past week has been an interesting one. From Sur Kshetra contestants mentored by a Nasal singer and a 24/7 heart broken voice, to Big Boss 6 vying for the space in the drama entertainment scene against our most long lasting drama series ever - Politics.

In unrelated notes tissue paper rolls, also released this week was the drastic eye opener to the state of toilets in this country, which has people in all parts shitting themselves silly (including yours truly) and clogging social media sites across the world.

Honestly, I don't see why there is such a fuss about the whole thing anyway.Did Slumdog Millionaire Not show us the sad state of bowel cleaning facilities in Mumbai vis a vis the number of Apartment complexes that are coming up in every nook and corner of the city. An ADARSH example is it not? 

And what's a little honesty and shit cladden cuteness to get an Oscar eh?

It's just a statement that there were more temples than toilets.You'd think as the in-charge of Rural Development since July 2011, they'd have realized this sooner and done something about it. But you must keep in mind that there is still a lot of things they need to count. Like the number of benefits that one can get by being the son in law of....err never mind. I don't want to die.

On a similar note, I wonder what the stats are in our central state, where a certain leader had statues of herself put up everywhere in vast stone gardens that could probably house, what a 1000 toilets?

In fact I am a staunch believer in such constipation-beating ratios. For example what is the ratio of toilets in the capital, versus that amount of MONEY that went down the same drain for the Commonwealth Games.

But these are very smart people. For example, in states where there is a water crisis, like Karnataka (being an opposition party government is mere coincidence, I assure you) you create an additional shortage of water to justify the number of toilets that exist. BRILLIANT. All these people who are cribbing can't see the brilliance of your plans. 

In all fairness of course, a minister can only compare such an important issue like basic sanitation and toilets, with another grave issue such as education, poverty, drinking water, health care, roads, food shortage,irrigation, crop failure,  Temples. What use is faith in such dire consequences anyway? 

And after all, these religious institutions have so much of money that the common man willing puts in, that are used only for making hospitals and educational facilities and all that. Who will save poor Swiss banks if we can't get our hands on that? 

The most dark toilet ratio would probably be the coal one. I mean tons and tons of coals passed on to friendly neighborhood businesses. What's wrong in that? Let them make a little money. That some of the relatives are sitting on the board of these companies, (and probably using the office toilets, of course) has nothing to do with it. 

Imagine what a beautiful toilet ratio this would be - the amount of cash and gold flushed down the toilets of all those politicos those Income Tax people raided? Must've clogged half the states plumbing. My bowels are itching with anticipation at the probable numbers!!!

Sigh. Perhaps the toilet ratios in Switzerland are far better than here, must explain the amount of money they have stuck up there. I wonder if they will ever be flushed back to where they belong. Without these Swiss toilets, we'd probably be on of the richest nations around. Stinking Rich mostly.  

Speaking of which, the toilet beckons. 

:) M

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are my own and hold no affiliation to any organization, existing or past whatsoever. The contents above are satirical in nature and does not indicate any person or organization, living or dead. The owner of this blog makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. 

To Do Lists and Food

You may have noticed that I have not posted for a month or so now.

(If No - I shall assume even that if you haven't, you were probably down with the worst case of dysentery, and that the location you live in is plagued by an attack of idol-carrying-warriors who yelled and chanted late enough into the night that resulted in you trying to catch some sleep inside the washing machine & *mumble* *mumble* ....cut your access to the most important part of your online world - my blog)

Wouldn't it be easier to have said yes, instead of read through that random paragraph?

Taken from here

Now the topic for the day is To-Do Lists and Food. The latter part I am well versed with, endowed with magical digestion *touch wood* properties of Ghatotkacha and the likes. There hardly is a restaurant in Mumbai that doesn't smile at the sight of a wobbling customer, more so if he wobbles naturally and without beer in him already. And when it comes to wobbling figure, you know who's the boss. *wink wink*

I actually wanted to write about another of my Taxi driver encounters (the best yet actually) I controlled my urge to do so. (You see, I have updated my IndiBlogger web details, I did not want them to categorize my website under "Weird Transport driver obsessed Blogs". As it is there are enough obsessions in this city to deal with)

So coming back to the To-Do list. I am big fan of making these lists. I sit down, and spend a lot of time in thinking through how I should categorize them, how I should number them, which pen I should you use...etc. After which I write them in the best handwriting, and so concise that even Twitter would be proud of. And I insist that I mark them as done and not done and all that. Once I am done, I dust my page for effect, turn the page and inspect the imprint on the back page, and then ......*drum roll*........

.....

*vuvuzela roll*

*chicken roll*
....
....close the book.

I didn't say I actually did something about what I was supposed to do. You see, I'd like to know things that I need to do, so that in case someone catches me off guard, I can always thrust my neat book in their face and say - "See, it's right there. Point 7, 3rd sentence after the appropriately grammered semi colon.That too in handwritten Verdana  font size 11. Ha."

I can see some of you nodding heads. This strategy works especially well, when cornered in a high level meeting, or if lagging behind on task and there is a cricket match, or when the wife wants you to get something, etc.Of course, the more often you use it, the less effective it gets. It's mostly okay to just threaten to bring out the To-Do book to scare them, instead of actually bringing it out.

Now coming to the second topic. Food.

Food is good. Food is tasty. Which reminds me, its time to have some.

:) M

Spirituality in an Auto - Mumbai Tidbits

It was just another day, another ride home, and another auto wala. By now, I thought had seem them all. The ones who told me their life story, graduates who had come to live the Mumbai dream, others struggling to make ends meet, and so on.

Little did I know, that these swearing-at-the-drop-of-a-hat guys had an unknown side to them as well. Spirituality.

It was on one of these regular trips, that this guy began his tirade against humanity. He used the choicest mother-sister referenced expletives at each and every man on wheels, and the rampant potholes as well. To shut him up, as he was constantly engaging a non responding me in an attempted conversation, I said 

"Ab kya kare, har kisi ka kuch na kuch problem hai life main." - A very generic statement that works effectively across occasions. 

He kept quite for 5 minutes. I was happy at my success. If I had only known, I would have done this earlier. I went back to my Hunger games - the last chapter, and Katniss Everdeen fighting against a horde of SEC A+ people laden with Make up while struggling with her choice of TWO boyfriends seemed more important than the misery's of the world. 

"Kya Aapne Bhagwan Dhekha hai?" came the question. 

I sat there dumbfounded. 

For a second I wondered. Should I ignore a potential life changing question and see if Katniss kissed Peeta? Or take a risk and listen to him and be given enlightenment, in the back seat of an Auto.

He decided to make it easier for me. Without me saying anything, He continued about how, from the last 8 years he has been a sevak of Nirankari Baba. Of how he goes every week to this place, where all kinds of people including popular actors come, to perform seva. After 8 years, he had the good fortune of seeing God, and he could now see him at will, and that he was there everywhere. (I KID YOU NOT)

For a second, I wanted to know what he was smoking, but he was in his own world. He cared not if I was listening, he kept talking, and his whole demeanor had changed. He was talking much softer, and almost to himself. It was absolutely numbing to see this person talking about the greater good, of not worrying about problems, and having faith. And to think 20 minutes ago, he cursed like the devil himself. Fine balance between reality and spirituality. 

As I got off, he pointed to the poster he put up on the back of his rickshaw. He wasn't bluffing. http://www.nirankari.com/

On another occasion, I got a discourse on how Kalyug has proven true as Krishna had siad it would, an e.g being there will be more liquor in households than God. 

Only in Mumbai, I tell you. Only in Mumbai. 

M

Love in an auto - Mumbai Tidbits

I have been in the city of dreams for about  4 months now. And there are many things that are different, unique and surprising sometimes. 

One of the many things that has given me a unique perspective of things is the concept of sharing Autos with people you hardly know.

Totally Random. Yes.

I usually wait near my house to catch an auto. Now the location I work at, Chakala, is the Mother-of-Traffic-Jams. Its like a free for all rally for vehicles. Imagine being stuck on the peak of a flyover for hours. And having nothing to do except look at other cars. I happened to once see Vinay Pathak in a Hyundai Accent. But most of the other times its just legs in various attires or as far as the eye can see, without. 

Anyways, going by the sheer traffic, getting an auto is next only to getting a meeting with the President. Wait, that's a bong now so rash-gulla should do the trick...err Prime Minister.The ratio of getting an auto to stop is 5/10. Getting a stopped auto to take you to where you want to go is 1/10. So your chance individually is 1 out of 20. Add 5 more people to the equation and you get the picture. There are also the crazies, who will run all around the road, at ALL autos, and cursing loudly. 

So there is always a small gathering on different sides of the road trying to get an auto to the same locale. I can recognize many of them now, by having seen them so often. That's when it started.

The first time was this guy who got an auto and stopped a little ahead and popped his head out to ask me if he could drop me to Andheri Station, which was like mid way to my stop. I politely declined, out of awkwardness. 

The next time it was raining heavily, My shoes was already drenched. Not one single auto was even bothered to look at us. I stopped an auto but he refused, and started talking to the lady behind me. I walked away, and heard her arguing with the auto wala. In a few minutes she called out to me, offering to drop me to some place. I had no idea where that was, and I told her so. She just shrugged and left.

Next was my turn. I was in an auto stuck in the traffic, reading a book. An old lady approached us and asked where I was going. She asked me for a drop to someplace in between which I obliged. I felt good I must say. And Not a word from the auto wala. It was welcome change after the Thugs of Bangalore.

One the very same day, on my way back, there was a long wait. Just as I got an auto, a pretty young thing asked me where I was going, and said if she could join me. As laddoo's phooted in my head, I enthusiastically  agreed with my best smile and faster-than-Usain-Bolt head nodding. 

Just as she was going to get into the auto, And as the violins were getting into the flow of things, the autowala decided he didn't like me. Or my future plans. He refused plainly to take on additional passenger (Bah!) and demanded money from her. Outraged, I started going Karate on him when, she smiled sweetly and said it's ok. I was crest fallen.

Needless to say, I fought like hell with him over the meter, more so for him spoiling my potential marriage plans. I still mourn the opportunity of the kids we could've had together. *Sigh*

(For the record, my modus operandi for picking women is not offering rides in autos. Actually, I don't even have one, I think.)

The last, was recently, when the station were closed. This guy just asks me, "Dude where you going" So I told him and he said lets share an auto. I agreed. Over chasing autos all over the road (Yes, he was a mumbaikar, also equipped with the latest in cursing technology) and after finally badgering one to take us, we spoke. Of random things, where we worked an all that. He happened to stay two blocks next to my place, and he let me in on Auto catching technology.  

And so it has been, waiting and sharing, sharing and dropping and all that. Next time, maybe, the auto wala will be kind to not mess with my future.

Cheers

M

Item (Aitum)

Your friendly neighborhood saloon is a very interesting place. Like in the wild, it's the water pool that all wild and friendly animals gather for a drink. All kinds of them, large, small, wild, tame and the occasional spoiled rich brat. The best place to start of in a new city would be the local chai wala, followed by a visit to the saloon.

Naresh stepped in and was immediately acknowledged with a welcome nod from the barber and his team. They were busy chatting with their respective customers. That's half the trick of a good business. A good saloon in its true sense, is like a confidence booster. The Saloon is not selling style or a hair cut, but a good time and confidence. 

Each of the barbers was in a different animated style of conversation. The owner, the most outspoken of them all was the one who was the most familiar with the neighborhood, and  was busy fussing over the neighborhood goon. Apart from another customer, the third chair was vacant. Without saying much, Naresh took up his place at the chair. A fortnightly hair cut made him feel neat, and a shave whenever he was in was appreciated.

Unlike most however, Naresh did not like to talk. Instead he just liked to observe people. What they do, how they do it and all that. It was a mental game he played with himself, guessing what was going on through their heads. He weighed up his targets for the day in the mirror opposite him, which reflected the mirror behind him, which gave him a better picture of the people around him.

Unfortunately, there was no one interesting around. The Local thug had left, and the other person was an old chap who looked like he needed help to keep him from falling off the chair in his sleep. Now that was a good option. Sleep.

A Sharp non male voice startled him from his reverie. 

"Yes cut his hair and make him look good. Ask him what he likes as well"

He opened his eyes and at the same time caught the scent of Eternity by Ck. The only fragrance he could recognize.

She looked in her late 30's. Lovely long hair, straightened and coloured with shades of brown and gold. Make up a coat too much that said she was trying too hard, and a lovely black Salwar Kameez. It's fascinating how mirrors allow you to see so much.

Her ward, though was odd. He had a thick head of hair, was thin, and looked very different from his host. Wearing a unbranded jeans and a light blue shirt tucked out. While the owner went to work on his head, she kept staring at him and smiling. 

Naresh began to think.

She hardly looked the types to come into a local saloon. She was fair & gorgeous looking. The boy looked like a 19-20 year old, dark and with a hint of mustache. They were definitely not related, maybe he was one of those society kids that society adopts and takes care off. Makes sense, that she would take him here rather than her high society place.

The owner was done in 5 minutes, making the boy look much smarter. He added for effect "You look great with this slim face of yours, just like a movie star" which was followed by her high pitched giggle. 

A giggle.

The Boy got off his chair and went to her, she held him by his shoulders, and moved a speck of hair from his shirt and face. She grabbed some money from her expensive looking handbag and handed it directly to the owner. 

As they walked out, the boy looked embarrassed, the lady as proud as a rooster, praising her ward's good looks and asking him if he was happy.

The moment they were out of sight, the owner starts - "So sir, what would you call this? A Sister? An Aunt? What a strange team. I have never seen them in this area. And that boy looked so young..."

The other barber added "Yes, looked very suspicious. I think.."

Awkward Silence.

Finally Naresh's barber kept down the scissors and for the first time, said something. 

"Item. He is her item, her worker and her item."

* * *

M

Albert - The Super Cop

Short. Stubby. Sad. Sentimental. All the wrong words, and yet here he was, looking for the killer.

Albert was a cut above the rest. Skill wise. And yet, if you took a look at him, he was cuts below the size the rest of his more popular crew was. That's where the difference was most visible.


His training was peculiar, in the sense that he always had multiple trainers. His colleagues always stuck to one trainer who eventually would be their partners, or buddy's. He however was hated. No one wanted him, and as a result he kept changing hands. He was, how do you put it? Eccentric.

It took just one case to prove that he was anything but bloody brilliant. And had a penchant for carrots.

Today's task was a challenging one. He was always brought in, when the rest had given up. He moved slowly around the floor, looking disinterested. Hardly a place to be interestingly yapping around though, this murder scene. Signs of violence all around, blood across multiple spots, clothes messed up. In other words, the usual.

What was different, was that the body was small. The clothes were on the body, splattered with blood. The Left sneaker was off the foot, the other presumably strewn across a cupboard or table. A young one. Golden hair now red. Blue eyes still open, in terror. Fist clenched, holding on to critical evidence - a piece of cloth. A heinous crime it was, killing a child with multiple stabs of a butcher knife. Which was also lying around.

Smelt like man slaughter. Life Term.

If the Murderer was ever caught, that is. But that was his job. His fellow inspector's watched him with great attention. Albert went around the corpse, hardly even taking a proper look. He stopped and looked around. It was a stab wound, there was no signs of the body being moved around, the wounds were mildly deep, making of an unsure or a first timer. But the sneaker was missing. Why was one sneaker missing? Understandable if there was a chase, a strangling, self defense. And it was brutal. 23 Stabs. On a 18 year old.

He went around the house. Followed keenly by an entourage. Nothing.

The Garage. Nothing

The Basement. Nothing

He began to sniff around in the vegetable patch, and his ears perked up. He started running around in crazy Zig Zag motion, and frantically picked up pace. In a second he was off, chasing wildly on to the pavement right to the Garbage Bin. With one smooth motion he *whammed* right into the Bin, knocking it over.

By the time the entourage of inspectors and fellow canines caught up with him, he was busy lying in the shade, panting. Waiting for the rest of them to find his clue -

Another left foot sneaker, the same style, the same brand, just blood stained.

Albert climbed back into his kennel, and grabbed a carrot. He was the top dog after all.

Colonizing the Colonizers

Someone rightly said, Mahatma Gandhi said "Be the change you want to see in the world"  
Silent prayer to Google and Wikipedia. 


I bet they never saw that kind off change coming. Or that we'd follow them back to their country and populate it like rabbits, and infest their streets with restaurants serving Tandoori dishes. (1.5 million strong and counting)


Music  - Raghav Sachar to Jay Sean, Juggy D, Rishi Rich? Ring a bell?
Food  - Tandoori Chicken, Dal Makhani, Tikka
Transport - Jaguar. 
Business - Arcelor. Corus. British Salt, Tetley etc etc (FYI  - Top 5 Investors in the country, Tata group alone counts for 2.something of your GDP.
Television Series, Movies, Politicans, Law and policy makers and so on and so forth.


Get the drift? I hope you do Dear fellow. I have absolutely no inclination to research, my people in Cambridge and Oxford are looking into it.

Now we have our sights set on your sport. Football. (It's all part of the 200 year plan. Started with Venky's and Blackburn. Now Airtel is in on it.)


I'll make you an deal. Give us the Kohinoor back, and we'll spare your fish n chips.


Regards
Madan "Cheeky Fellow" Kamath

PS - No offence Intended. In the immortal words of Russell Peters..." ...do you realize there's not gonna be no more white people? There's not gonna be any more black people. Everyone is going to be beige....Eventually we're all gonna become some hybrid mix of Chinese and Indian. They're the two largest populations in the world. So you can run from us now."

Why You No Marrying, Beta?

On one of my last conversations with mum, (who invariably has two topics on her mind all the time) the topic of debate was marriage. (So you know which topic was left - weight loss)

Sometimes I wonder if single men give off some kind of vibe that set's your parents biological clock to get you married ticking. 

So we were talking, or more she was persuading and I was batting like Raphael Nadal (Yes, batting) scrambling from one defense to the other, before she had me stumped with a blinder. 

"You have to get married next year, or there will be no girls left" 

I quickly did a one handed Google search - had the Mayans figured out the survival rate of eligible women after the EOW in 2012? And worse, had the reports reached mum before me?!! (Sacrilege on my self styled social media expert status, no?)

Mum doesn't try too hard. She just throws doubts in my way and just waits for a confirmation of some sorts. I bet if I so much as nod on this end of the phone, she'd figure it out and blow the bugle. And Tata Safari's of random aunties would pop out with Grandmothers-sisters-chachi's-betas-cousin's-husband's-doctor's-veterinary college professor's-brother's-dog's-mother's owner's best friend's daughter's hand for marriage.  

Mental Note to Self - Must find if there's a defense-against-the-mum-who's-trying-to-get-you-married-arts class near Versova. 

Anyways, coming to the topic, the things parent's say to convince you if you plan to get married or are refusing to get married are unbelievable. And the conviction they say it with...Uff!!!

Like, when I told my parents that I would let them know if I ever found someone I wanted to get married to, my Dad goes "I don't care who you marry, as long as she is from our community and she's a homely girl" 

Ah. I see some of you nodding heads. 

And this - "We need to get the word out and find a good girl for you, these day's their very hard to find."

Gee, how perceptive of you guys, thanks!!! I can stop random Friend requests and socializing now.

"If we start searching now, it will take a couple of years to find a match"

I can see that set of eligible profiles in your back pocket, Dad.

"You are getting older, people are asking about you. You have a great job and a good salary. What's your problem?"

So now your bullish on this commodity on the market that's...how do I say it, matured?

"Other guys your age are having kids and handling responsibilities while working!!! Why are you so stuck up about this?"

Responsibilities. I rest my case

"Just meet this girl. She's smart, educated, good looking and everything. Just your type"

Isn't Jessica Alba already married?

"What's wrong in just meeting her once?"

Righty!!! I am feeling mighty lucky today. Lottery anyone?

"What do we know about this girl friend of yours huh? Different background, culture. How will she fit in to the family? What will your uncles and aunties say about us?"

Uh huh. They'll keep gossiping, even after feasting on the marriage dinner. We'll get even when their Darling springs the North Indian surprise at them in a month or so.

"Why won't you just listen to us and get married ?"

A four letter word - Love

What happens once you get married? Now that's a topic of many a movie and recently, a commercial for an insurance brand :) Not to mention the entry of the greatest proponent and secret power behind it all - Grandma. 

Cheers

M