Just Emkaying: Mumbai
Showing posts with label Mumbai. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mumbai. Show all posts

Jan 17, 2016

The one with lots of beaches, seafood & Leo

My equation with the rest of the Universe is like a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. The Universe plays the role of Calvin and Hobbes, and I'm the strip on which they get drawn. Nonetheless the results are quite noteworthy and fun.

Me: I don't want to travel anywhere this month

Universe: Nope. You're going

Me: But I don't want to

Universe: Nuh uh. You're going. 

Me: WTF. You Suck. 

Dec 8, 2014

The Great Mumbai Traffic Show

My last post was in August. Its not that I felt bored or got a life, but it was all about a lot of false starts. Pretty much like this "Acche din aayenge" philosophy that's been doing the rounds of late. My draft folder is filled with many such false starts, which I have been really struggling on. After twitter, I think its getting impossible to keep my mind to one continuous train of thou...Oooh Butterfly!!!

Feb 2, 2014

A guide to the Auto Rickshaws of India


What a fantastic start to the new year. A lot of new records. Am sure you all saw or heard the interview of the year on a leading new channel a few days ago, or as I like to call it - "Papu panchvi class se thej nahin hai" with Arnab. This was also accompanied by the shortest overnight Dharna involving a CM by the AAP, and of course the highest number of  "Bhaiyon Bheno" speeches by the party that cannot be named.


Mar 17, 2013

The Oscars and Vada Pav

This is one of those posts that is being written because my counters says I haven't written anything in March. But unlike Zero Dark Thirty or Lincoln, won't be nominated for an Oscar because it doesn't have EPIC characters like Osama bin laden or that legendary fellow on the Dollar. Both movies establishing the glory of the same nation has of course, as in all disclaimers, nothing to do with the Oscar nominations.

Also ever since Jennifer Lawrence has won the Oscar, I have shifted loyalties from Mila Kunis to Jenni Baby. So "Bure Nazar wale thera muh Kamal R Khan" Stay away or I shall unleash the Farmville and Mafia wars invites on you.

This year I caught the Oscars in the evening. I've reached that age where you don't really give a shit about anything that does not directly affect you. Like Elections.However, the real reason I watched the Oscars in the first place was to see which movie would bag the Oscar, and then accordingly change my opinions on the movies that were nominated. Hence this post is suitably delayed.

I recently got asked if Lincoln won the Oscar. I said yes. The person promptly went on to say that it was great movie and it was no surprise that it bagged both the Academy awards and the Oscars. If I wasn't for the Vada Pav in my hand..... Lucky weapons aren't sold in supermarkets in India. (Idea #3763 Hathyaar bazaar, bandook ke saath bullet free - Kishore Biyani, please note)

Speaking of Vada Pav. Am sure ANYONE, who has had a Vada Pav in Mumbai, will know that while the Vada can be replaceable with Samosa, Podi, etc, the PAV CANNOT BE REPLACED BY A BUN.

Repeat, A POTATO CUTLET IN A BUN/BREAD/ROLL IS NOT VADA PAV. And people who go ga ga about this Terrorist, Infiltrating, Infidel food item are the same ones who ask for Dum Biryani at Legacy of China. Buhledy Food Rapists.


The Pav is an exquisite piece of Indian bread that's meant specially for gastronomical delights like Burji, Chai and Vada Pav. Please don't desecrate the sanctity of this marvel of palette engineering by supporting fraud examples. Would you ever go to a "Inkaar" or a "I, me aur main" and expect facial expressions from John or Rampal? No right? ( I mean, how can you expect the impossible, overkill I guess) So please, I know you love your "Potato-cutlet-bun" but if its not a Pav, its just not.

In other news, India is planning a ban on all Italian food items and restaurants. Well at least Kerala is probably. I mean, I know they treat this country like it belongs to their daughter or something, but hey, who sends under-trials TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR HOLIDAYS? Mercy and goodwill ? They Shot 2 of your citizens you nutcases!!! That ways you should have sent Kasab home for Eid no? So, in line with this thought, all Pizzerias now become Pitja-da-dhaaba and all "Italiano Cuisine" become "Eat-all-no-Kissing". Okay?

Parting note, I vote for Vada Pav as the national snack. Right behind Onion Uthappa.

Cheers
M

Feb 12, 2013

Where Am I from?

I usually get into spells of immense thinking. It's like a phase, where  my left brain and right brain have conversations that ultimately give me a backache. Blame it on Acupuncture. (That Pin poking thingy)

It was in one of these sessions that I was absolutely convinced that in a previous birth I must've been a driver of some sorts. Taxi or Auto, but one of the two for sure. That must be the reason why I keep meeting so many drivers with so many interesting stories to tell, which make me go "Ahaaa" to which the driver promptly replies "Kai zala?" in Marathi.

Anyways, the topic of today's brain freeze conversation is "Where am I from?"

There are these standard questions that people ask you and you promptly have an answer pop into your head. Visually at least.

For e.g

Q - Hey Whats up
A - Nothing, you tell.

Q - What's your favorite colour?
A - Blue / I don't know

Q - Who's hotter? Anushka or Deepika?
A - Megan Fox / Angelina Jolie (By God's grace at least now she will retire from those buhledy worlds hottest lists)

Q - I have Scotch and Vodka, what will you have?
A - Do you have beer?

Q - Saw any movies recently?
A - *Image of that movie that friend of your friend gave you on that pen drive that everyone's been sharing* No.

Q - Kya Aapke toothpaste main namak hai?
A - Haan saale, Sambhar powder bhi hai, khayega kya? (Rhetorical, am not offering)

Q - Where are you from?
A - Err. Heard of Shimoga? How about Mangalore? Karnataka? Yes am a Madarasi, Thank you.


Truth be said, I have been around. Spent an equal amount if time in the Gulf, in Udupi/Manipal, at Bangalore and now what looks like its going to be quite some time in Mumbai. While I borrowed a lot from them, none of them has left a mark that's deep enough to be called home.

For example, I loved the places in Manipal that I used to spend so much time at with my friends. In Bangalore it was all about enjoying the lovely weather and the ease of travel (Yes come to Mumbai, it's like going to space in a cycle rickshaw) Bahrain was all about school time memories. And now Mumbai, well we're just getting started.

I don't think I've ever answered the question about "Where are you from?" in one line.

The most recent being my explanation to an Expat that India is divided into "Zones" depending on what people eat. Idlis? - Madrasi. Chaats? Mumbai. Momos? Definitely from East (Don't even have a place) and Tandoori chicken. Delhi. If you eat bullets and bombs, probably way up north in "Paradise on Earth"

Just FYI, I like all the above. Am like the public buffet that everyone eats free off and then cribs - Definitely Indian.

Anyways, Next time someone asks me where am from, I guess I'll just say that. Indian.

Cheers
M





Jan 25, 2013

Welcome to 2013

Hello there!!!

I see that you have survived the Mayan end of the world and moved back into the continuing, modern-man-made end of the world. I hope you had a great new year, full of alcohol, mad partying, and crazy fun like Rahul Baba had till he was actually "given" a "position" of responsibility in a party that his family has basically founded.

I hope you get the Rahul Baba inference. I can actually name him, its not that am scared or something, but...err...I don't want to DIE.

Or be arrested under some IT law and then having to put you all through ARNAB's - THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW....etc.

This year so far has been amazing. Seriously, can you imagine having to feel cold in Mumbai? In End January? Ever? Spicy Vada Pav's and Chai have never felt so rewarding.

Of course I wouldn't know since I wake up after the sun is pretty high up there, but I have heard from reliable sources. Like my watchman who is dressed in 4 layers of clothing and makes some saluting hand gesture when I cross. Or maybe he's trying to find his eyebrows under 2 mufflers, 1 monkey cap & 2 skull caps.

Meh. (That's twitter lingo for whateva, which is hip talk for whatever)

Also discovered was Hamley's Toy Store. I spent a total of 3 hours there and got into a fight with a 10 year old on a Lego block set that I had my sights on for like 17 years. After taking it while the kid was distracted, I had to walk all around the store to avoid attention for 2 hours. These kids today have no sense of respect for elders at all. I wonder how his parents can leave a kid in a toy store unsupervised like that. Yelling and Shouting and throwing all the things for a silly Lego block set. You'd think these kids would act more matured.

Anyways, I spent new years with my parents for a change. (A big change, it's been like 15 years) No Internet, no mobile connectivity, home made food, Dad's barbecue, some books and a cat that thinks that I'm a big pillow, for company. Quite a change from previous years. I also have deviated from tradition where I had a cribbing disappointing heartbroken narration of my achievements of the previous year.

And before you know it, you're at the end of month 1 in the new year. Salary time.

May the new year make more sense than the previous. Cheers!!!
M



Oct 8, 2012

Toilet Ratios and more

The past week has been an interesting one. From Sur Kshetra contestants mentored by a Nasal singer and a 24/7 heart broken voice, to Big Boss 6 vying for the space in the drama entertainment scene against our most long lasting drama series ever - Politics.

In unrelated notes tissue paper rolls, also released this week was the drastic eye opener to the state of toilets in this country, which has people in all parts shitting themselves silly (including yours truly) and clogging social media sites across the world.

Honestly, I don't see why there is such a fuss about the whole thing anyway.Did Slumdog Millionaire Not show us the sad state of bowel cleaning facilities in Mumbai vis a vis the number of Apartment complexes that are coming up in every nook and corner of the city. An ADARSH example is it not? 

And what's a little honesty and shit cladden cuteness to get an Oscar eh?

It's just a statement that there were more temples than toilets.You'd think as the in-charge of Rural Development since July 2011, they'd have realized this sooner and done something about it. But you must keep in mind that there is still a lot of things they need to count. Like the number of benefits that one can get by being the son in law of....err never mind. I don't want to die.

On a similar note, I wonder what the stats are in our central state, where a certain leader had statues of herself put up everywhere in vast stone gardens that could probably house, what a 1000 toilets?

In fact I am a staunch believer in such constipation-beating ratios. For example what is the ratio of toilets in the capital, versus that amount of MONEY that went down the same drain for the Commonwealth Games.

But these are very smart people. For example, in states where there is a water crisis, like Karnataka (being an opposition party government is mere coincidence, I assure you) you create an additional shortage of water to justify the number of toilets that exist. BRILLIANT. All these people who are cribbing can't see the brilliance of your plans. 

In all fairness of course, a minister can only compare such an important issue like basic sanitation and toilets, with another grave issue such as education, povertydrinking water, health care, roads, food shortage,irrigation, crop failure,  Temples. What use is faith in such dire consequences anyway? 

And after all, these religious institutions have so much of money that the common man willing puts in, that are used only for making hospitals and educational facilities and all that. Who will save poor Swiss banks if we can't get our hands on that? 

The most dark toilet ratio would probably be the coal one. I mean tons and tons of coals passed on to friendly neighborhood businesses. What's wrong in that? Let them make a little money. That some of the relatives are sitting on the board of these companies, (and probably using the office toilets, of course) has nothing to do with it. 

Imagine what a beautiful toilet ratio this would be - the amount of cash and gold flushed down the toilets of all those politicos those Income Tax people raided? Must've clogged half the states plumbing. My bowels are itching with anticipation at the probable numbers!!!

Sigh. Perhaps the toilet ratios in Switzerland are far better than here, must explain the amount of money they have stuck up there. I wonder if they will ever be flushed back to where they belong. Without these Swiss toilets, we'd probably be on of the richest nations around. Stinking Rich mostly.  

Speaking of which, the toilet beckons. 

:) M






DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are my own and hold no affiliation to any organization, existing or past whatsoever. The contents above are satirical in nature and does not indicate any person or organization, living or dead. The owner of this blog makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. 

Aug 22, 2012

Spirituality in an Auto - Mumbai Tidbits



It was just another day, another ride home, and another auto wala. By now, I thought had seem them all. The ones who told me their life story, graduates who had come to live the Mumbai dream, others struggling to make ends meet, and so on.

Little did I know, that these swearing-at-the-drop-of-a-hat guys had an unknown side to them as well. Spirituality.

It was on one of these regular trips, that this guy began his tirade against humanity. He used the choicest mother-sister referenced expletives at each and every man on wheels, and the rampant potholes as well. To shut him up, as he was constantly engaging a non responding me in an attempted conversation, I said 

"Ab kya kare, har kisi ka kuch na kuch problem hai life main." - A very generic statement that works effectively across occasions. 

He kept quite for 5 minutes. I was happy at my success. If I had only known, I would have done this earlier. I went back to my Hunger games - the last chapter, and Katniss Everdeen fighting against a horde of SEC A+ people laden with Make up while struggling with her choice of TWO boyfriends seemed more important than the misery's of the world. 

"Kya Aapne Bhagwan Dhekha hai?" came the question. 

I sat there dumbfounded. 

For a second I wondered. Should I ignore a potential life changing question and see if Katniss kissed Peeta? Or take a risk and listen to him and be given enlightenment, in the back seat of an Auto.

He decided to make it easier for me. Without me saying anything, He continued about how, from the last 8 years he has been a sevak of Nirankari Baba. Of how he goes every week to this place, where all kinds of people including popular actors come, to perform seva. After 8 years, he had the good fortune of seeing God, and he could now see him at will, and that he was there everywhere. (I KID YOU NOT)

For a second, I wanted to know what he was smoking, but he was in his own world. He cared not if I was listening, he kept talking, and his whole demeanor had changed. He was talking much softer, and almost to himself. It was absolutely numbing to see this person talking about the greater good, of not worrying about problems, and having faith. And to think 20 minutes ago, he cursed like the devil himself. Fine balance between reality and spirituality. 

As I got off, he pointed to the poster he put up on the back of his rickshaw. He wasn't bluffing. http://www.nirankari.com/

On another occasion, I got a discourse on how Kalyug has proven true as Krishna had siad it would, an e.g being there will be more liquor in households than God. 

Only in Mumbai, I tell you. Only in Mumbai. 

M

Jul 28, 2012

Love in an auto - Mumbai Tidbits

I have been in the city of dreams for about  4 months now. And there are many things that are different, unique and surprising sometimes. 

One of the many things that has given me a unique perspective of things is the concept of sharing Autos with people you hardly know.

Totally Random. Yes.

I usually wait near my house to catch an auto. Now the location I work at, Chakala, is the Mother-of-Traffic-Jams. Its like a free for all rally for vehicles. Imagine being stuck on the peak of a flyover for hours. And having nothing to do except look at other cars. I happened to once see Vinay Pathak in a Hyundai Accent. But most of the other times its just legs in various attires or as far as the eye can see, without. 

Anyways, going by the sheer traffic, getting an auto is next only to getting a meeting with the President. Wait, that's a bong now so rash-gulla should do the trick...err Prime Minister.The ratio of getting an auto to stop is 5/10. Getting a stopped auto to take you to where you want to go is 1/10. So your chance individually is 1 out of 20. Add 5 more people to the equation and you get the picture. There are also the crazies, who will run all around the road, at ALL autos, and cursing loudly. 

So there is always a small gathering on different sides of the road trying to get an auto to the same locale. I can recognize many of them now, by having seen them so often. That's when it started.

The first time was this guy who got an auto and stopped a little ahead and popped his head out to ask me if he could drop me to Andheri Station, which was like mid way to my stop. I politely declined, out of awkwardness. 

The next time it was raining heavily, My shoes was already drenched. Not one single auto was even bothered to look at us. I stopped an auto but he refused, and started talking to the lady behind me. I walked away, and heard her arguing with the auto wala. In a few minutes she called out to me, offering to drop me to some place. I had no idea where that was, and I told her so. She just shrugged and left.

Next was my turn. I was in an auto stuck in the traffic, reading a book. An old lady approached us and asked where I was going. She asked me for a drop to someplace in between which I obliged. I felt good I must say. And Not a word from the auto wala. It was welcome change after the Thugs of Bangalore.

One the very same day, on my way back, there was a long wait. Just as I got an auto, a pretty young thing asked me where I was going, and said if she could join me. As laddoo's phooted in my head, I enthusiastically  agreed with my best smile and faster-than-Usain-Bolt head nodding. 

Just as she was going to get into the auto, And as the violins were getting into the flow of things, the autowala decided he didn't like me. Or my future plans. He refused plainly to take on additional passenger (Bah!) and demanded money from her. Outraged, I started going Karate on him when, she smiled sweetly and said it's ok. I was crest fallen.

Needless to say, I fought like hell with him over the meter, more so for him spoiling my potential marriage plans. I still mourn the opportunity of the kids we could've had together. *Sigh*

(For the record, my modus operandi for picking women is not offering rides in autos. Actually, I don't even have one, I think.)

The last, was recently, when the station were closed. This guy just asks me, "Dude where you going" So I told him and he said lets share an auto. I agreed. Over chasing autos all over the road (Yes, he was a mumbaikar, also equipped with the latest in cursing technology) and after finally badgering one to take us, we spoke. Of random things, where we worked an all that. He happened to stay two blocks next to my place, and he let me in on Auto catching technology.  

And so it has been, waiting and sharing, sharing and dropping and all that. Next time, maybe, the auto wala will be kind to not mess with my future.

Cheers
M

Jul 22, 2012

Item (Aitum)

Your friendly neighborhood saloon is a very interesting place. Like in the wild, it's the water pool that all wild and friendly animals gather for a drink. All kinds of them, large, small, wild, tame and the occasional spoiled rich brat. The best place to start of in a new city would be the local chai wala, followed by a visit to the saloon.

Naresh stepped in and was immediately acknowledged with a welcome nod from the barber and his team. They were busy chatting with their respective customers. That's half the trick of a good business. A good saloon in its true sense, is like a confidence booster. The Saloon is not selling style or a hair cut, but a good time and confidence. 

Each of the barbers was in a different animated style of conversation. The owner, the most outspoken of them all was the one who was the most familiar with the neighborhood, and  was busy fussing over the neighborhood goon. Apart from another customer, the third chair was vacant. Without saying much, Naresh took up his place at the chair. A fortnightly hair cut made him feel neat, and a shave whenever he was in was appreciated.

Unlike most however, Naresh did not like to talk. Instead he just liked to observe people. What they do, how they do it and all that. It was a mental game he played with himself, guessing what was going on through their heads. He weighed up his targets for the day in the mirror opposite him, which reflected the mirror behind him, which gave him a better picture of the people around him.

Unfortunately, there was no one interesting around. The Local thug had left, and the other person was an old chap who looked like he needed help to keep him from falling off the chair in his sleep. Now that was a good option. Sleep.

A Sharp non male voice startled him from his reverie. 

"Yes cut his hair and make him look good. Ask him what he likes as well"

He opened his eyes and at the same time caught the scent of Eternity by Ck. The only fragrance he could recognize.

She looked in her late 30's. Lovely long hair, straightened and coloured with shades of brown and gold. Make up a coat too much that said she was trying too hard, and a lovely black Salwar Kameez. It's fascinating how mirrors allow you to see so much.

Her ward, though was odd. He had a thick head of hair, was thin, and looked very different from his host. Wearing a unbranded jeans and a light blue shirt tucked out. While the owner went to work on his head, she kept staring at him and smiling. 

Naresh began to think.

She hardly looked the types to come into a local saloon. She was fair & gorgeous looking. The boy looked like a 19-20 year old, dark and with a hint of mustache. They were definitely not related, maybe he was one of those society kids that society adopts and takes care off. Makes sense, that she would take him here rather than her high society place.

The owner was done in 5 minutes, making the boy look much smarter. He added for effect "You look great with this slim face of yours, just like a movie star" which was followed by her high pitched giggle. 

A giggle.

The Boy got off his chair and went to her, she held him by his shoulders, and moved a speck of hair from his shirt and face. She grabbed some money from her expensive looking handbag and handed it directly to the owner. 

As they walked out, the boy looked embarrassed, the lady as proud as a rooster, praising her ward's good looks and asking him if he was happy.

The moment they were out of sight, the owner starts - "So sir, what would you call this? A Sister? An Aunt? What a strange team. I have never seen them in this area. And that boy looked so young..."

The other barber added "Yes, looked very suspicious. I think.."

Awkward Silence.

Finally Naresh's barber kept down the scissors and for the first time, said something. 

"Item. He is her item, her worker and her item."

* * *
M






Jun 7, 2012

A Midsummer Night's Adventure

Hello.

< Spoiler - Long Post >

Since the last one month or so of sobriety, I have nothing interesting or exciting to report, except for the story I shall narrate below, and that I can now cook for a living. Which is a big deal, given that Maggi was my idea of a home cooked meal.

Added to my now expanding repertoire of home cooked meals is Rice, Dal, chicken curry and fry, Oats Upma, Pasta, Tea and Coffee. Also Potato wedges and tomatoes with a special fluffy omelet. So far I haven't seen my neighbors complaining, nor the birds and squirrels in nearby trees choking while I cook, so I guess its all good. As for me, my stomach is like a cement mixer (touch wood) and has kept my faith up.

Anyways, the story I am going to narrate will need a precautionary disclaimer:

Apr 15, 2012

Mumbai - First Impressions

Technically, I have been in Mumbai twice and Bombay once. The time I came to Bombay, I was too young and have found only depressing memories. Then I came to Mumbai on an educational trip, and got a good long look at the Fort area of Mumbai, amongst other thing. The last trip was for my job interview, where the Taxi Driver promised me "Mumba Devi's" blessings. Whether the current situation is part of the blessing, I'll have to ask her myself.

Apr 11, 2012

NRI Taxi Wala

On my third day in Mumbai, I realized that the Auto wala was duping me into an alternate route. While the meter was not pocket burning, as it is in Bangalore to travel from M to G of MG road, I didn't like being taken advantage of.

Anyways, my fun started when I got into this Taxi, and reconfirmed with him that I was duped. He laughed and began this conversation. I try my best to narrate in "Amchi Mumbai cha Basha"

Drivr - "Sahb, yeh sab bahar se aakr yahan gaadi nahin chala sakthe, apun ko dekho abhi, yahaan jaise chalthe hain, galf (Gulf) main bhi aise chala diya. Char baar pakde the. Wahan pe samne camera, piche camera, kuch bhi karo tho pakde jaoge."

Aug 29, 2011

Mumbai, Marine Drive and Vada Pav

My close friends know that I have Mumbai-phobia. For a very old reason, the place terrifies me, in fact the possibility of having to travel by " the local trains" will ensure I don't board the flight in Bangalore, or even catch the meru cab to the airport. None the less, Mumbai is very different, very welcoming, and has a culture that is very different from most cities in India, and this is visible from the moment the plane touches down on the runway. (example follows later)

So I got this opportunity to attend a workshop that was important and last-minute enough to have me land in Mumbai on 25th Aug. Unlike other trips, this had nothing to do with asking people why they drink liquor, or why a shop sold liquor, where's my liquor,etc