Elections 2014 - Dark Horse on Pink Elephants

There are 4 characters in this story. The Dark Horse, the Pink Elephant, The White Fluffy Rabbit and the Journalist.

* * *

This is an interview between the Dark Horse on the comments made by another political heavy weight, Pink Elephant.

Who Should you vote for?

Before we go ahead in this post, I would like to make it clear that I had actually written a very elaborate, serious post on what I "really" think of our political options in the current scenario. The result was that none of my views could be substantiated without an absurd amount of research, to which I was not enthusiastically inclined. I also realized that it would be literally impossible for me to hold my ground against any "tard" (Please add political party as required) because I had written about all our political parties. Which made me prime fodder for social media annihilation.

Also Arm Chair Activism Rocks.

Diary Entry on 2013.

Dear Diary,

This year has been normal. Going by the general standard of every year, doing nothing that has saved lives of got more than 10 likes on Facebook. I did manage to get out of the country and back alive, un-scarred and without an accent. I've managed to keep my resolution of last year - not to have any resolutions for this year, so Yay me. Book reading has been pathetic, managing just 10 books to last years 40, but blame it on Congress (that seems to be the in thing these days). On the internet, am doing well. The blog has suffered here, but has done else where. *wink wink*

TV watching has considerably increased, largely for distraction. You remember that Star channel has now added new ones - Star World HD, Star World LOL, Star Sports 1, 2, 3, 4, (n-1) and as a result the new channels are showing re runs of programs that were watched when Michael Jackson was still...umm....Non-white. They also repeat the shows every third day, so I now know 2 and Half men episode 8,9,10 by heart.

I've also taken dearly to "Vodafone presents Big Boss season 7 presented by Dabur Chyawanprash only on Colors" which had its Finale today. The show is hosted by Salman Khan, that dude fellow who did that belt dance and that towel dance not so long ago. (You'd remember by my marvelous imitation of it post which I retired from dancing). I agree this guy has an amazing stage presence, so much so, that the organizers decided to make a stage that was 2 ft wider than his height.

In other news that Aam Aadmi fellow has become the Delhi CM. No, no not Rajnikanth re, Arvind Kejriwal. I have high hopes for him, he has really done very well for himself, hope he does so for the country also huh. Meanwhile these other political parties are shitting their cash laden pants, falling over themselves on what to do. But now we have the option of not voting for any of these parties, much like that "none of the above" option we had in Exams in college. Going by that logic, every time that option came in the exam paper, we knew it had to be the right answer. Pretty true for our country's politics too if you ask me.

And we come to the perennial issue diary, people are getting married left right center. I can no confidently say that the average has tilted in favor of people already hitched. After I wrote that last post on Shaadi.com I think they have put my profile in the recycle bin or something, because am getting all "Wan cute gud boy who lyk me and wil luvz me" type requests. #Facepalm only.

I got a new phone recently. The Nexus 5. I gave away...the iphone. It was getting too difficult you know, to keep holding the same thing. I know I promised to get the iphone 5s when it came out, but seriously I don't think I could pledge all my life savings on that thing. It also did not have a microwave built in so, Meh.

Next year, I am going to do something drastic. But am not sure how that will go. But as you know, planning for anything makes it harder to achieve. So let me leave it at that.

Laters
M

The Truth behind the SRK Controversy

As you may have heard recently, King Khan has been asked to shift home base to across the border in case he felt unsafe in India. This invitation came from a leader of a organization of "questionable"* repute*

( Repute* refers to "media"/"Don't-kill-me-am-quoting-Wikipedia" lingo for an organization that has been  marked as a terrorist outfit by USA, UK, Russia, Australia, European Union, United Nations and the leader who has a 10 million dollar bounty on his head in one of those US Terrorist Bucket lists.

*Questionable refers to his patrons who STILL say there is no proof against him and that they cannot arrest him. These are the very same patrons who said we are fighting terror and are absolutely sure that Osama was not hiding there, till the US came and shot Osama bin Laden in their own back yard)

Sorry for the detour. Where was I? Ah yes SRK shifting and all.

Honestly if this offer had come after Ra One, I wouldn't of thought twice of packing this fellow off, just for putting us through that scene with Arjun Rampal. Yes, "that" scene. But the songs were Okay, and I had good laughs for a few months, so you are forgiven.

In midst all this controversy, in comes the now famous for his foot-in-mouth comments, the inferior interior minister who says he is concerned about SRK's safety. To put in mildly - Why don't you sniff up who's blowing up people in your own country instead of worrying about our citizens, eh? Are you seriously saying that of all the people who elected you as a politician (God alone knows why) in your country, you are bothered about a celeb in our country? Very Suspicious, wouldn't you say?

Also, the minister says he wants to remind us and I quote, "I would like to request all Indian brothers and sisters and all those who are talking negative way about Shah Rukh, they should know he is a movie star."

Umm...Yes you Idiot, he is a movie star. We've seen from his stuttering days to his current stretch-my-arms-and-romance days. However, may I remind you, he is an Indian first. Also, we are not your brothers and sisters, at least am not. How about you pay a little more attention to all the "negative" shit you guys are doing at the LOC, before you come barging in on Bollywood like you barge in across the border every now and then?

Come to think of it, I would have made a counter offer to some of your people to come here and stay safe, especially those famous leaders who are declared terrorists globally, but of whom you seem to have no proof. They could live in Tihar and have world class Biryani. That Kasab fellow must have written to you guys no? Oh wait, I forgot. You abandoned him to die the moment he left your borders.

Frankly, looking at all the above, I think this is all related to with one thing, and only one thing.

Keep your grubby hands off SRK. He will not dance in any of your weddings.

Cheers
M

PS - Try Saif, after Race 2, he'll probably need it.

Welcome to 2013

Hello there!!!

I see that you have survived the Mayan end of the world and moved back into the continuing, modern-man-made end of the world. I hope you had a great new year, full of alcohol, mad partying, and crazy fun like Rahul Baba had till he was actually "given" a "position" of responsibility in a party that his family has basically founded.

I hope you get the Rahul Baba inference. I can actually name him, its not that am scared or something, but...err...I don't want to DIE.

Or be arrested under some IT law and then having to put you all through ARNAB's - THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW....etc.

This year so far has been amazing. Seriously, can you imagine having to feel cold in Mumbai? In End January? Ever? Spicy Vada Pav's and Chai have never felt so rewarding.

Of course I wouldn't know since I wake up after the sun is pretty high up there, but I have heard from reliable sources. Like my watchman who is dressed in 4 layers of clothing and makes some saluting hand gesture when I cross. Or maybe he's trying to find his eyebrows under 2 mufflers, 1 monkey cap & 2 skull caps.

Meh. (That's twitter lingo for whateva, which is hip talk for whatever)

Also discovered was Hamley's Toy Store. I spent a total of 3 hours there and got into a fight with a 10 year old on a Lego block set that I had my sights on for like 17 years. After taking it while the kid was distracted, I had to walk all around the store to avoid attention for 2 hours. These kids today have no sense of respect for elders at all. I wonder how his parents can leave a kid in a toy store unsupervised like that. Yelling and Shouting and throwing all the things for a silly Lego block set. You'd think these kids would act more matured.

Anyways, I spent new years with my parents for a change. (A big change, it's been like 15 years) No Internet, no mobile connectivity, home made food, Dad's barbecue, some books and a cat that thinks that I'm a big pillow, for company. Quite a change from previous years. I also have deviated from tradition where I had a cribbing disappointing heartbroken narration of my achievements of the previous year.

And before you know it, you're at the end of month 1 in the new year. Salary time.

May the new year make more sense than the previous. Cheers!!!
M

How to fight Corruption in India? From the Top.

Let me begin this post with a story.

The Auto I got into was driven by a young chap. Maybe 20 years old. And he was furious. Very Very Mad and it took him all of 5 seconds to engage me in a conversation which had him talking and me "huh huh'ing" all the way. For sake of this post, lets call him Raju.

The object of Raju's anger was a ticket that he was handed by a traffic cop in the morning. From his explanation, I understood that this cop kept picking on him and the other auto drivers on some flimsy issue or the other. Like lack of documents, non functioning indicators, cutting signals etc. ( Let me point out, these violations were considered flimsy by Raju, not me. In my opinion violations are violations, no matter how small or large.)

While he tried his best to "adjust" the matter with the cop, he refused and cut the auto driver a ticket. Because of this, the auto driver had to roam the courts the whole day and pay a fine of 1500. His fury at having lost a day's earnings and having to be noted in the court was so huge, that he proudly showed me a mean hockey-like stick under his seat. He vowed to teach the cop a "lesson" and narrated stories of how these cops catch these auto wala for stupid things like faulty indicators, broken lights, old meters, and sometimes do it deliberately when they refuse to pay the bribe, or to increase the bribe.

On this occasion, the cop had given him the ticket and did not agree to "adjust". And Raju strongly felt because it was some personal agenda, though he couldn't say what it exactly was.

That was the story. But it raised grave questions in my mind. On the life stages of corruption. How can you tackle corruption?

Taken from here

First and foremost, who is giving these auto guys driving licences? even when they don't know the basic regulations? Obviously some RTO official whose hands are greased and does not do the due diligence. Why does he take a bribe? Because he has probably paid a huge one to get the plum posting. Plum for two reasons, one it's a Government job, and second the additional "implied" income. So why did the person who "Arranged" for the plum posting take a bribe? Well, there are too many applicants, he has control over the situation, and merit based job offerings hardly exist. Also someone has given him the task of appointing people that will bow to his masters will, therefore starting another chain in itself. Now multiply this one scenario across government organizations, and you will realize why it is a self feeding system, and why a few honest and upright people cannot affect large scale change.

Now the other part. The Cop who refused to take a bribe and cut the ticket. Let's assume that he is honest guy and for a change wanted to be honest. What are the possible risks he has taken? One, being "marked" out as the honest one that can create a problem amongst his peers. Two, an auto driver has the guts to scheme against an upholder of the law. The numbers are definitely in favor of the auto walas.

But honestly, tell me, who is the major money maker here? Is it the cops? Or is it the Government office? Everyone in the system at the middle or the bottom, has a reason or need to do it. (Am not justifying corruption)

But what about the people at the top?

What about those who make law, and the ones who decide, the ones who rule. The Ones that WE elect?

If you tell me, that these top guys can make money and siphon off money to all parts of the world, but cannot  change a corrupt system, I beg to differ.

Instead of getting 100 crore + people to change, why can't we ensure that 500+ elected representatives, and their like at the state level to change a system?

A baby born into this world is not born corrupt and dishonest. It's the system that turns them into corrupt people. Education may teach a child what is right and what is wrong, but out of the school, everything is the reverse. At every point the child see's just the opposite of what is being taught in school.

I hope I have made sense to the larger audience.

This time around, please make two choices to change this country.

1. VOTE
2. Vote for the right candidate, a person who is not corrupt, has no criminal cases, and is not part of a party that has corrupt officials in it. Remember, an honest person in a corrupt party cannot remain honest for long.

Of course, this does not absolve us from being corrupt ourselves. This also does not mean that we sit back and blame the ones at the top. The only point I am making is that you can do a greater deal by Voting right, and encouraging people to vote right.

Jai Hind.
M

Toilet Ratios and more

The past week has been an interesting one. From Sur Kshetra contestants mentored by a Nasal singer and a 24/7 heart broken voice, to Big Boss 6 vying for the space in the drama entertainment scene against our most long lasting drama series ever - Politics.

In unrelated notes tissue paper rolls, also released this week was the drastic eye opener to the state of toilets in this country, which has people in all parts shitting themselves silly (including yours truly) and clogging social media sites across the world.

Honestly, I don't see why there is such a fuss about the whole thing anyway.Did Slumdog Millionaire Not show us the sad state of bowel cleaning facilities in Mumbai vis a vis the number of Apartment complexes that are coming up in every nook and corner of the city. An ADARSH example is it not? 

And what's a little honesty and shit cladden cuteness to get an Oscar eh?

It's just a statement that there were more temples than toilets.You'd think as the in-charge of Rural Development since July 2011, they'd have realized this sooner and done something about it. But you must keep in mind that there is still a lot of things they need to count. Like the number of benefits that one can get by being the son in law of....err never mind. I don't want to die.

On a similar note, I wonder what the stats are in our central state, where a certain leader had statues of herself put up everywhere in vast stone gardens that could probably house, what a 1000 toilets?

In fact I am a staunch believer in such constipation-beating ratios. For example what is the ratio of toilets in the capital, versus that amount of MONEY that went down the same drain for the Commonwealth Games.

But these are very smart people. For example, in states where there is a water crisis, like Karnataka (being an opposition party government is mere coincidence, I assure you) you create an additional shortage of water to justify the number of toilets that exist. BRILLIANT. All these people who are cribbing can't see the brilliance of your plans. 

In all fairness of course, a minister can only compare such an important issue like basic sanitation and toilets, with another grave issue such as education, poverty, drinking water, health care, roads, food shortage,irrigation, crop failure,  Temples. What use is faith in such dire consequences anyway? 

And after all, these religious institutions have so much of money that the common man willing puts in, that are used only for making hospitals and educational facilities and all that. Who will save poor Swiss banks if we can't get our hands on that? 

The most dark toilet ratio would probably be the coal one. I mean tons and tons of coals passed on to friendly neighborhood businesses. What's wrong in that? Let them make a little money. That some of the relatives are sitting on the board of these companies, (and probably using the office toilets, of course) has nothing to do with it. 

Imagine what a beautiful toilet ratio this would be - the amount of cash and gold flushed down the toilets of all those politicos those Income Tax people raided? Must've clogged half the states plumbing. My bowels are itching with anticipation at the probable numbers!!!

Sigh. Perhaps the toilet ratios in Switzerland are far better than here, must explain the amount of money they have stuck up there. I wonder if they will ever be flushed back to where they belong. Without these Swiss toilets, we'd probably be on of the richest nations around. Stinking Rich mostly.  

Speaking of which, the toilet beckons. 

:) M

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed here are my own and hold no affiliation to any organization, existing or past whatsoever. The contents above are satirical in nature and does not indicate any person or organization, living or dead. The owner of this blog makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. 

Sharing Common Wealth (Games), Politics and News Channels

Fancy how everyone has an expert opinion on the CW Games to be held in India. Hell, even toddlers seem to be going "ga ga" over it. The last time I saw the country get together on such a scale was when Slumdog Millionaire won the Oscar, and everyone called it an "Indian Movie"..

Apparently, some top athletes and sporting nations are pulling out of the games citing poor "living" conditions. Perhaps I'd do the same if I were on a vacation, but hey! am not an athlete am I?

Of Cockroaches and Politicans

Its actually interesting to see how most of the things in this world are better than our "neta babus" . In fact I think you can actually sit and see that everything has something or the better than them...(Even without favoritism)So I was just mind-wandering, and I randomly picked a creature to compare with the neta babu/politician. In this case, I chose a cockroach.