Just Emkaying: Sarcasm
Showing posts with label Sarcasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarcasm. Show all posts

Feb 1, 2015

The Fitness Mafia and Melissa

Did you know? 9 out of 10 visitors to this site would have at some point of time considered joining a gym or fitness center to get into better shape.The best part of this whole better shape feeling, is that better shape is subjective, just like Black money is dependent on which side of the Parliament you sit on.

Thin guys want to get bulky, bulky guys want to get sharp, Sharp guys want to get sharper with 6 pack abs, and so on and so forth (or basically Christian Bale in different stages of his acting career). That means, you could walk up to anyone and tell them "Hey, you should hit the gym" and they will ALWAYS agree, because their ideal shape is one that they currently aren't or probably too unrealistic.

I don't know if he knows it, but Christian Bale has a fabulous parallel career option as a Fitness Trainer.

May 11, 2014

Flying in Indian Skies

(Language and content warning.)

The first time I took a flight, or to be put more appropriately a wailing me was buckled down in the seat, was when I was in the 4th grade. Well, that was the first time I remember it at least.

It was Gulf Air, with pretty air hostesses in golden scarves who handed out toys to kids and took some of them along to the cockpit to meet the captain. This was of course before Laden and his cronies decided to fuck up everything and the chances of me ever getting to accomplish my wishes in this lifetime. (No, Not meeting the captain, the toys.)

Toys are now called collectibles when adults buy them. FYI. 

Mar 27, 2014

Elections 2014 - Dark Horse on Pink Elephants

There are 4 characters in this story. The Dark Horse, the Pink Elephant, The White Fluffy Rabbit and the Journalist.

* * *

This is an interview between the Dark Horse on the comments made by another political heavy weight, Pink Elephant.


Sep 8, 2013

Malaysia Ahoy!!! - The South East Asia Trip Part 1

This year I was able to keep up a promise to myself to travel ever year to some place new and different. As much as I tried to present an international image by checking into foreign locales on Free WiFi, there's so much that happened, so many experiences, that I feel the need to document it. In case someone wants to make a movie on me or something. (Hey you never know)

Theres a lot of stuff, but I'll try to keep it as interesting and amusing as possible, which basically means I'll talk all about the shit the other three do. (Imma Good Boy)
Mandatory self Identification photo before trip

As a disclaimer, and to protect the identity of Debi, Bc and Vc I will refrain from naming the guys who came with me on this trip of *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* and all the food, sightseeing and entertainment.

I will also for the first time be able to put up videos of the trip, and that will be through my YouTube Channel which I will name shortly.

We started our trip from Bangalore where we flew to Kuala Lumpur, and then from there to Langkawi. This was followed by a 3 day jump to Singapore, and then to the Philippines where we went to Manila and Borocay.  Coron islands was also on the list, but typhoons made sure that our trip was cancelled. 

Through our the trip we've had miserable situations and brilliant come backs, and you won't believe me if I said we got detained in Immigration, walked in the middle of the ocean, got into Bar fights and more. And still got back safely, except for a little fever I caught due to exhaustion. 

So on departure from Bangalore, one of us was a first time traveler to foreign lands. This is the same guy who was considered as a beacon of good luck for anyone who wanted to travel abroad. Every person who has stayed with him (including me) has been posted "on site" (Software Engineering terms for getting posted in USA with normal Dollar salary but when it is converted to rupee I become rich and can buy a flat in Bangalore) or traveled abroad. 

He was as excited as a smoked up monkey in a room full of ripe bananas, and as soon as we boarded the plane I heard stuff like "Oh my God, look!!! More Humans" and "We are going out of the country!!! Do they know yet?" and of course "Shit, I've arrived in life". Of Course Debi, the veteran Package tour travel specialist was busy snoring so loud that the pilot had to check if everything was alright with the engines. And I was busy making up these jokes for the blog, so you know who's left right? 

It was a difficult flight majorly be cause the seats were uncomfortable. That's what happens when you put a XXL ass into a Economy seat. But enough about those guys. We slept and awoke and slept and awoke before I finally got some shut eye. 

I was rudely awoken to "OH MY GOD, Kuala Lumpur has lights!!!" and "Look at the runway, its better than our roads in Sarjapur" etc. just as we touched down in the LCC Terminal in Kuala Lumpur.

There are two things you should know about the KL Airport. For all you "Foreign country is amajing" this airport requires you to walk all the way to the terminal from the airplane. There are no Air conditioned buses awaiting to ferry your merry ass to the terminal. Also there must be some 160 odd spots for planes to land, so that basically meant I could watch HIMMATWALA and recover by the time I reached the Terminal.

Just a few of the Air Asia Jetliners
The other thing about LCC KL airport, is that its isn't an airport. Its actually the Air Asia Exhibition center. For miles and miles across all you will see, are Air Asia Planes. Trust me, every thing that flies there has an Air Asia tag. And pretty sure half the country works for them. Not that am complaining with all the air hostesses around. 

Anyways, once we were in we decided to hit the streets and visit the Petronas towers. You know, those twin towers that were once the tallest towers before Burj Al Arab came into being and Al-Halal-ed every other building on Planet Earth. Now the tricky part was we had 5 hours in which to reach this place and come back. 

So we took a convenient Bus (Air conditioned and with recliner seats) for the one hour journey to KL Central. From there we took a taxi (around 15 minutes) to the Petronas towers. It was closed, but we did get into the compound. 

The twins were just beautiful. You don't really get a sense of the size and how magnificent and powerful these structures really are, until you get your nose right up to it and look up. Just, Freaking Amazing. 

I was so caught up that I just didn't really make the max of my camera. Also, there were these huge flood lights right bang at eye level, so no matter how I tried I just kept getting this huge glare at the bottom of my screen. 

But trust me, It definitely looks far better at night than in the morning. The splendor of a fully lit Petronas must be something really worth taking in. Unfortunately for us, it wasn't one of those days.
Its moments like these that I want to abandon people

After a few...err...okay a lot of  "Me with Petronas, Me with Malaysia sign board" etc type photos, we decided to head back. On the way we made a quick detour to visit the National Mosque of Malaysia. It was beautiful but we didn't get any decent picture that would be worthy of its grandeur.

Also we were worried of missing our next flight to Langkawi.

Once back at the airport, we had to get used to the different ways the airport operates. Here you need to check in on the machines, and then go to the counters to drop off luggage, and then wait in the expansive lounge before walking across miles and miles to reach the airplane.

One thing which caught us off guard was the women cops at the security check. And they do check men as well. And they yell. LOUDLY. So we didn't know that "Belts" were also to be taken off before running under the scanner. So I had this lady cop YELL at me to take off my belt and come back. It wasn't a very "Shades of Grey" type scenario that I'd have fond memories of either. Lets just leave it at that.

In the next post, expect more of how we took Langkawi by storm, had Laksa, and almost ran away in the middle of the morning from our Hotel.

Cheers 
M

Jun 30, 2013

The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience

There are two things on my mind right now. Chetan Bhagat and a certain "matrimonial website"


It's totally fixed,  Sreesanth promise.
Many of my bachelor friends have spent countless hours recalling the nightmares they've had after seeing the Chetan Bhagat Ad showing
a "healthy" guy (suspiciously resembling me) dancing in a high society party to impress this girl he's with. First of all, you're setting the wrong expectations, and I should be able to sue them if I don't get a similar girl. Two, I should be paid to watch Chetan Bhagat Ads. Didn't we pay to read his life stories?

However, finding your "dream partner" online is an intriguing concept, especially the part where they say "Love, arranged by Shaadi.com". Its one of the most amazing ideas I have ever heard of, right after my all time favorite idea of tying myself up with a Hungry Python, lighting myself on fire and jumping in front of a speeding truck in the middle of Western Express Highway.

But since am a fan of such challenges, I did log on to the website, in search of the "dream partner".

Unfortunately, the website has...
1. No Cheerleaders from the US, or Latin Salsa Dancers
2. No Deepika Padukone or Sonam Kapoor
3. No "Likes Fat people" filter either

This is like those "80% OFF MEGA CLEARANCE SALE" where the only thing on 80% off is a size 3, Pink with yellow stripes handkerchief.

Worse, I kept getting prompted by the site to enter more details like "Height", "Weight", "Body type" etc. If I had to really fill in those numbers, I think I'd do better in a matrimonial site for deformed elephants. So I just rounded off the details and put in ball park stuff.

6'2, 70kg, Athletic Muscular build.

But I was just warming up. When I started "searching" for profiles (And if you do this on Facebook they call it stalking, the difference being, here you pay Rs 4000 for it and don't get arrested) I was going to come across the murder of logic as we know it.

Sample this - "I am cute bubbly girl and want good friend who will love me and cherish me and take care of me. I can cook and I like reading, travelling, music and movies" If I add "likes cute puppies, handbags and shoes" you get the general definition of half the population of the country.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the individual's capacity to write (Except that Italian Muggle Orangutan 40 year old Youth leader of ours) but I think the only details the website took into account in its filter was that I was a male.

Is this kind of modern sufficient?
I also discovered another great truth. Like all resumes have the famed "I want to work to the best of my abilities and learn and grow with the company..." type mission statement, All Parents have one too. The Groom should be "From a cultured family with modern outlook and traditional values and respects elders and will love my daughter and will not drink and has good job"

What the hell does that mean?!! How am I supposed to define these things?!!

Maybe...

"Yes, I will be the only guy you will find who will want to marry your daughter AND love her also. The rest are all here on this site to marry people to hate them."

"Here, use my cigarette lighter to light the lamp for Ganapati Bappa's Pooja"

"Let me use my credit card to pay for this, but I will calculate the price of this iPad using Vedic Mathematics, carefully avoiding the Rahu Kalam"

"Yes she can wear Mini Skirt whenever she wants but only in the auspicious time of 3.30 am on Tuesdays on an empty stomach"

"OK sweetheart, am off to touch the feet and take the blessings of the 37 elders in our society and then get a spine replacement."

And every time I go back to the site, I find "matches" "2 way matches" "Reverse Matches" popping out at me trying to make me click something or the other. I am almost sure that the guys who do the coding for this site are the same ones responsible for IIPM topping the IIM's in those surveys they conduct every year.

I am surprised you duped us like this Chetan Bhaiya. Well, guess who's not getting invited to my wedding. Ha.

Cheers
M



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All material is copyright protected. The above content is based solely on my personal opinions and are meant as satirical take on my experiences.