Just Emkaying: India
Showing posts with label India. Show all posts
Showing posts with label India. Show all posts

Feb 7, 2016

The one with Cobras and Royal Enfield

There were actually three things I wanted to jot down today. But I realised that setting the standard with three sub topics every Sunday may not be the most easiest thing to stick to. It also happens that the third topic I had in mind is capable of being a complete post in itself (in an exaggerated, nonsensical kind of way).

You may also interpret this as "he's running out of topics already and relying on last minute improvs."

So yes. What were we talking about? Ah, Cobra's. Also known illogically by these welcome gestures:

Hissss! (International version)
Dusss (Indian)

To start off, let me relay this conversation that just happened with Dad a few hours ago:

"You at home?"
"Yup."
"Didn't you go out anywhere today?"
"Nope"
"Dinner?"
"Done"
"So what else is going on"
"It's the end of Sunday dad, there can't be anything happening here. You tell me what's happening there!"
"Ah well, we had a special visitor today. Guess who?"
"Umm. Just tell me"
"A Cobra"
"Ah. I see."

Jan 17, 2016

The one with lots of beaches, seafood & Leo

My equation with the rest of the Universe is like a Calvin and Hobbes comic strip. The Universe plays the role of Calvin and Hobbes, and I'm the strip on which they get drawn. Nonetheless the results are quite noteworthy and fun.

Me: I don't want to travel anywhere this month

Universe: Nope. You're going

Me: But I don't want to

Universe: Nuh uh. You're going. 

Me: WTF. You Suck. 

Jan 31, 2015

January - Resolution breaking time!!!


Hello readers and welcome to a brand new edition of  "Writing because its almost the end of the first month of the year and I haven't written anything and I must at least keep my resolution of writing regularly for a month before breaking them"


Dec 30, 2014

When I met Mahendra Singh Dhoni

One of the advantages of being a minion in a Daaru company (or Alco-Beverage as the HR guys pitch) is that alcohol is very easy to come by. In the sense that while you work at the multiple events they have, you stand & watch as the alcohol comes and goes by, while you wonder if the lights are working properly, if the promoters are selling instead of drinking, and if you'll ever get to suavely slide a drink down to the chicks at the party while no one is looking.

Or rather when everyone is looking and there are spotlights on you.

The other advantage is that you get to meet with Mahendra Singh Dhoni.


















Mar 27, 2014

Elections 2014 - Dark Horse on Pink Elephants

There are 4 characters in this story. The Dark Horse, the Pink Elephant, The White Fluffy Rabbit and the Journalist.

* * *

This is an interview between the Dark Horse on the comments made by another political heavy weight, Pink Elephant.


Mar 23, 2014

Who Should you vote for?

Before we go ahead in this post, I would like to make it clear that I had actually written a very elaborate, serious post on what I "really" think of our political options in the current scenario. The result was that none of my views could be substantiated without an absurd amount of research, to which I was not enthusiastically inclined. I also realized that it would be literally impossible for me to hold my ground against any "tard" (Please add political party as required) because I had written about all our political parties. Which made me prime fodder for social media annihilation.

Also Arm Chair Activism Rocks.



Jun 30, 2013

The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience

There are two things on my mind right now. Chetan Bhagat and a certain "matrimonial website"


It's totally fixed,  Sreesanth promise.
Many of my bachelor friends have spent countless hours recalling the nightmares they've had after seeing the Chetan Bhagat Ad showing
a "healthy" guy (suspiciously resembling me) dancing in a high society party to impress this girl he's with. First of all, you're setting the wrong expectations, and I should be able to sue them if I don't get a similar girl. Two, I should be paid to watch Chetan Bhagat Ads. Didn't we pay to read his life stories?

However, finding your "dream partner" online is an intriguing concept, especially the part where they say "Love, arranged by Shaadi.com". Its one of the most amazing ideas I have ever heard of, right after my all time favorite idea of tying myself up with a Hungry Python, lighting myself on fire and jumping in front of a speeding truck in the middle of Western Express Highway.

But since am a fan of such challenges, I did log on to the website, in search of the "dream partner".

Unfortunately, the website has...
1. No Cheerleaders from the US, or Latin Salsa Dancers
2. No Deepika Padukone or Sonam Kapoor
3. No "Likes Fat people" filter either

This is like those "80% OFF MEGA CLEARANCE SALE" where the only thing on 80% off is a size 3, Pink with yellow stripes handkerchief.

Worse, I kept getting prompted by the site to enter more details like "Height", "Weight", "Body type" etc. If I had to really fill in those numbers, I think I'd do better in a matrimonial site for deformed elephants. So I just rounded off the details and put in ball park stuff.

6'2, 70kg, Athletic Muscular build.

But I was just warming up. When I started "searching" for profiles (And if you do this on Facebook they call it stalking, the difference being, here you pay Rs 4000 for it and don't get arrested) I was going to come across the murder of logic as we know it.

Sample this - "I am cute bubbly girl and want good friend who will love me and cherish me and take care of me. I can cook and I like reading, travelling, music and movies" If I add "likes cute puppies, handbags and shoes" you get the general definition of half the population of the country.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the individual's capacity to write (Except that Italian Muggle Orangutan 40 year old Youth leader of ours) but I think the only details the website took into account in its filter was that I was a male.

Is this kind of modern sufficient?
I also discovered another great truth. Like all resumes have the famed "I want to work to the best of my abilities and learn and grow with the company..." type mission statement, All Parents have one too. The Groom should be "From a cultured family with modern outlook and traditional values and respects elders and will love my daughter and will not drink and has good job"

What the hell does that mean?!! How am I supposed to define these things?!!

Maybe...

"Yes, I will be the only guy you will find who will want to marry your daughter AND love her also. The rest are all here on this site to marry people to hate them."

"Here, use my cigarette lighter to light the lamp for Ganapati Bappa's Pooja"

"Let me use my credit card to pay for this, but I will calculate the price of this iPad using Vedic Mathematics, carefully avoiding the Rahu Kalam"

"Yes she can wear Mini Skirt whenever she wants but only in the auspicious time of 3.30 am on Tuesdays on an empty stomach"

"OK sweetheart, am off to touch the feet and take the blessings of the 37 elders in our society and then get a spine replacement."

And every time I go back to the site, I find "matches" "2 way matches" "Reverse Matches" popping out at me trying to make me click something or the other. I am almost sure that the guys who do the coding for this site are the same ones responsible for IIPM topping the IIM's in those surveys they conduct every year.

I am surprised you duped us like this Chetan Bhaiya. Well, guess who's not getting invited to my wedding. Ha.

Cheers
M



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All material is copyright protected. The above content is based solely on my personal opinions and are meant as satirical take on my experiences. 

Jan 30, 2013

The Truth behind the SRK Controversy

As you may have heard recently, King Khan has been asked to shift home base to across the border in case he felt unsafe in India. This invitation came from a leader of a organization of "questionable"* repute*

( Repute* refers to "media"/"Don't-kill-me-am-quoting-Wikipedia" lingo for an organization that has been  marked as a terrorist outfit by USA, UK, Russia, Australia, European Union, United Nations and the leader who has a 10 million dollar bounty on his head in one of those US Terrorist Bucket lists.

*Questionable refers to his patrons who STILL say there is no proof against him and that they cannot arrest him. These are the very same patrons who said we are fighting terror and are absolutely sure that Osama was not hiding there, till the US came and shot Osama bin Laden in their own back yard)

Sorry for the detour. Where was I? Ah yes SRK shifting and all.

Honestly if this offer had come after Ra One, I wouldn't of thought twice of packing this fellow off, just for putting us through that scene with Arjun Rampal. Yes, "that" scene. But the songs were Okay, and I had good laughs for a few months, so you are forgiven.

In midst all this controversy, in comes the now famous for his foot-in-mouth comments, the inferior interior minister who says he is concerned about SRK's safety. To put in mildly - Why don't you sniff up who's blowing up people in your own country instead of worrying about our citizens, eh? Are you seriously saying that of all the people who elected you as a politician (God alone knows why) in your country, you are bothered about a celeb in our country? Very Suspicious, wouldn't you say?

Also, the minister says he wants to remind us and I quote, "I would like to request all Indian brothers and sisters and all those who are talking negative way about Shah Rukh, they should know he is a movie star."

Umm...Yes you Idiot, he is a movie star. We've seen from his stuttering days to his current stretch-my-arms-and-romance days. However, may I remind you, he is an Indian first. Also, we are not your brothers and sisters, at least am not. How about you pay a little more attention to all the "negative" shit you guys are doing at the LOC, before you come barging in on Bollywood like you barge in across the border every now and then?

Come to think of it, I would have made a counter offer to some of your people to come here and stay safe, especially those famous leaders who are declared terrorists globally, but of whom you seem to have no proof. They could live in Tihar and have world class Biryani. That Kasab fellow must have written to you guys no? Oh wait, I forgot. You abandoned him to die the moment he left your borders.

Frankly, looking at all the above, I think this is all related to with one thing, and only one thing.

Keep your grubby hands off SRK. He will not dance in any of your weddings.

Cheers
M

PS - Try Saif, after Race 2, he'll probably need it.



Oct 14, 2012

How to fight Corruption in India? From the Top.

Let me begin this post with a story.

The Auto I got into was driven by a young chap. Maybe 20 years old. And he was furious. Very Very Mad and it took him all of 5 seconds to engage me in a conversation which had him talking and me "huh huh'ing" all the way. For sake of this post, lets call him Raju.

The object of Raju's anger was a ticket that he was handed by a traffic cop in the morning. From his explanation, I understood that this cop kept picking on him and the other auto drivers on some flimsy issue or the other. Like lack of documents, non functioning indicators, cutting signals etc. ( Let me point out, these violations were considered flimsy by Raju, not me. In my opinion violations are violations, no matter how small or large.)

While he tried his best to "adjust" the matter with the cop, he refused and cut the auto driver a ticket. Because of this, the auto driver had to roam the courts the whole day and pay a fine of 1500. His fury at having lost a day's earnings and having to be noted in the court was so huge, that he proudly showed me a mean hockey-like stick under his seat. He vowed to teach the cop a "lesson" and narrated stories of how these cops catch these auto wala for stupid things like faulty indicators, broken lights, old meters, and sometimes do it deliberately when they refuse to pay the bribe, or to increase the bribe.

On this occasion, the cop had given him the ticket and did not agree to "adjust". And Raju strongly felt because it was some personal agenda, though he couldn't say what it exactly was.

That was the story. But it raised grave questions in my mind. On the life stages of corruption. How can you tackle corruption?

Taken from here
First and foremost, who is giving these auto guys driving licences? even when they don't know the basic regulations? Obviously some RTO official whose hands are greased and does not do the due diligence. Why does he take a bribe? Because he has probably paid a huge one to get the plum posting. Plum for two reasons, one it's a Government job, and second the additional "implied" income. So why did the person who "Arranged" for the plum posting take a bribe? Well, there are too many applicants, he has control over the situation, and merit based job offerings hardly exist. Also someone has given him the task of appointing people that will bow to his masters will, therefore starting another chain in itself. Now multiply this one scenario across government organizations, and you will realize why it is a self feeding system, and why a few honest and upright people cannot affect large scale change.

Now the other part. The Cop who refused to take a bribe and cut the ticket. Let's assume that he is honest guy and for a change wanted to be honest. What are the possible risks he has taken? One, being "marked" out as the honest one that can create a problem amongst his peers. Two, an auto driver has the guts to scheme against an upholder of the law. The numbers are definitely in favor of the auto walas.

But honestly, tell me, who is the major money maker here? Is it the cops? Or is it the Government office? Everyone in the system at the middle or the bottom, has a reason or need to do it. (Am not justifying corruption)

But what about the people at the top?

What about those who make law, and the ones who decide, the ones who rule. The Ones that WE elect?

If you tell me, that these top guys can make money and siphon off money to all parts of the world, but cannot  change a corrupt system, I beg to differ.

Instead of getting 100 crore + people to change, why can't we ensure that 500+ elected representatives, and their like at the state level to change a system?

A baby born into this world is not born corrupt and dishonest. It's the system that turns them into corrupt people. Education may teach a child what is right and what is wrong, but out of the school, everything is the reverse. At every point the child see's just the opposite of what is being taught in school.

I hope I have made sense to the larger audience.

This time around, please make two choices to change this country.

1. VOTE
2. Vote for the right candidate, a person who is not corrupt, has no criminal cases, and is not part of a party that has corrupt officials in it. Remember, an honest person in a corrupt party cannot remain honest for long.

Of course, this does not absolve us from being corrupt ourselves. This also does not mean that we sit back and blame the ones at the top. The only point I am making is that you can do a greater deal by Voting right, and encouraging people to vote right.

Jai Hind.
M