5 things that don't happen when you turn 30

It's happened.

On Feb 14 this year I turned 30. I think that's like 50% of my life given I'd be grateful to live normally till 60, unless they create a mechanism that lets people live on even though their physical bodies have died. This is under the assumption that politicians still function even though their brains and hearts are dead before they reach the parliament, broadly speaking - same prinicple.

That being said, let me break the following myths.

1. 30 rocks!

No, 30 doesn't rock. If anything you are confused between acting "your age" and "being young at heart" whatever that means. I am still working, still doing the same things on weekends, etc. I still have to beg auto rickshaws for a ride, and the bus conductor still makes a face for change. Beer costs the same, and there's less of rock in rock music than ever.

NOTHING. CHANGES.

2. You can do whatever you want in life

Only Deepak Chopra can do whatever he wants in life. The rest need to smoke up.

LIKE SERIOUSLY.

3. You are financially free 

Whoever wrote this up has either never worked through 30, or lies for a living.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...'lend me some money cough'

4. You learn that you don't always get what you want

5. It's time for you to settle down

WTF does that mean? Is it like "ooh am thirty, my landing gear is coming out, lets land"

In parting.

Cheers
M

Quiet.

Its quiet.
Its been so for many days
I now have 25 minutes
to put silence
into phrase
how much has changed
I can't really say
and another day will pass
as I struggle to tell you
what I did yesterday
like a boat at anchor
with nowhere to go
waiting for a mission
a captain, a wave, a voice
a simple hello
I have now 20 minutes
to write
of years of patience
and silent nights
of waiting for the sun to set
and then to rise
to just go on
now i wonder at it all
why
the sense of feeling
is gone
slipping into blank things
that aren't really there
my sight is failing
my hope is waning
I've 15 minutes more
i've already wandered
twice
such is my belief now
weary are my fingers
my heart and eyes
flitter
the warmth is replaced
an acknowledgement perhaps
of inevitability
like a law of sorts
that it just won't work
oh how slow this clock tick tocks
I still have 5 minutes
Sigh
so easy it was to bare
Oh so much had I to share
now in walls and shells
of simple luxury, cursed with
a  heart's empty hell
it is done
and as the clock strikes
it is again,
quiet.

The Fitness Mafia and Melissa

Did you know? 9 out of 10 visitors to this site would have at some point of time considered joining a gym or fitness center to get into better shape.The best part of this whole better shape feeling, is that better shape is subjective, just like Black money is dependent on which side of the Parliament you sit on.

Thin guys want to get bulky, bulky guys want to get sharp, Sharp guys want to get sharper with 6 pack abs, and so on and so forth (or basically Christian Bale in different stages of his acting career). That means, you could walk up to anyone and tell them "Hey, you should hit the gym" and they will ALWAYS agree, because their ideal shape is one that they currently aren't or probably too unrealistic.

I don't know if he knows it, but Christian Bale has a fabulous parallel career option as a Fitness Trainer.

January - Resolution breaking time!!!

Hello readers and welcome to a brand new edition of  "Writing because its almost the end of the first month of the year and I haven't written anything and I must at least keep my resolution of writing regularly for a month before breaking them"

When I met Mahendra Singh Dhoni

One of the advantages of being a minion in a Daaru company (or Alco-Beverage as the HR guys pitch) is that alcohol is very easy to come by. In the sense that while you work at the multiple events they have, you stand & watch as the alcohol comes and goes by, while you wonder if the lights are working properly, if the promoters are selling instead of drinking, and if you'll ever get to suavely slide a drink down to the chicks at the party while no one is looking.

Or rather when everyone is looking and there are spotlights on you.

The other advantage is that you get to meet with Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

An Open Letter to all Open Letterers

Dear open letterer, and open letter Fanboi's,

A long long long time ago, in a faraway galaxy (Goregaon East, probably) one girl dared to write the world's first open letter on the internet. Before the rise of common sense of this age, it came as a shock to many that a girl would dare and venture to do something as brash as voice her opinion, and that too about a boy. 

*collective gasp*  

However, and you may not know this, but I consider "An open letter to a Delhi Boy" and its subsequent replies to be one of the most interesting moments of internet literature that I have ever read. The outrage, counter letters, postcards and general talk has been a revelation into how jobless and racist people really are. If only the letter had some sprinkles of saffron in it, or claimed that we had actually landed in the moon a long time ago circa Ramayana, it might as well have become a contender for a nationalist letter of sorts in the current government. 

Anyways, 3 years hence, the internet is abuzz with thousands of open letters today:

An open letter to my Dhobi. 

An open letter to the rickshaw driver who did not agree to drop me to Chakala.

An open letter to the Prime minister about my neighbor who makes fried dry fish on Sunday noon that stinks so bad that you should ask them to build our next generation of toxic chemical weaponry. 

Any person who is any person worth his QWERTY Keyboard + Facebook post has written an open letter, each letter vying for its share of the social media glory. I mean who wouldn't want to value their human lives in likes and shares?

It is therefore not surprising that YOU, dear open letterer would obviously resort to an open letter as a means of revolt and general displeasure to anything ranging from poor water supply to Ramdev Baba's soft porn yoga moves. It's a different thing that you do not see the need to do anything about it yourself, and find it apt to put it out there on the internet to see who would take the bait.

*Open Letter to my maid who forgot to put the garbage out.*

These mass open letterers are the same people who would not think twice while giving up their Facebook id and password to watch a non existent video titled "OH MY GOD YOU WONT BELIEVE A GIANT SHARK EATS A NAKED LADY IN MID AIR ". Post which the aforementioned site proceeds to spam all of your friends with ads for Kent RO Water Purifier (The one where Hema Malini just repeats the same thing for years and mind fucks the water into purifying itself) or expensive iphone 6 card boxes from Snapdeal.com 

I mean seriously, open letters? Did you ever even write an actual one on paper? The good old way of taking time to pen down your thoughts, and not the verbal deluge of bullshit that it has become today? 

But enough is enough. 

*drum roll*

As the self appointed representative of  the people of Mumbai (or the allied states of Andheri, Malad, Ghatkopar and the union territories of Bandra & Colaba) I, in my innate wisdom have decided that this open letter has to be written to ban all open letters. Enough is enough. For long have we suffered the pain of poor language in the guise of a rant. For long have we had to watch idiots write open letters to random people like Obama to help a leopard in Sanjay Gandhi National park. 

*You think he is bloody zookeeper of America or wat?*

I demand that henceforth , you will stop this open letter nonsense, and instead re word your titles to more appropriate headings, like "Man I really need to crib about these people" or "Why the hell do I get pimples on date night" and "How to promote a movie by raising controversy" etc. I also hope that you will encourage your immediate fellows to do the same, and to refrain from using the hideous "Open Letter".

If you fail to do so...

Cheers

M

The Great Mumbai Traffic Show

My last post was in August. Its not that I felt bored or got a life, but it was all about a lot of false starts. Pretty much like this "Acche din aayenge" philosophy that's been doing the rounds of late. My draft folder is filled with many such false starts, which I have been really struggling on. After twitter, I think its getting impossible to keep my mind to one continuous train of thou...Oooh Butterfly!!!

The Birds in my life

Hello dear digital content consumer,

Something tells me I've been doing it wrong...

August seems to be a good creative month for me. Even in the midst of mind numbing stupidity from our news channels and the general religious trolls on Social media, my mind has been abuzz with questions and thoughts that could change the way humanity would function forever. Like - how much time would I need to train a dog to fetch Beer from the Fridge?

Anyways, while I have this going, I want to write as much as I can. I've not been an avid bird watcher in any sense of the term, which of course either way could have taken away my glorious singledom. It's very difficult for someone of my XXL size talents to stay single. *insert universe face-palming emoji here*

The Rakhi System

Raksha Bandhan to me has always been an alien festival. Partly because I've spent most of my time as an unknown entity at Boarding school, followed by religious abstinence in the guise of a paying guest, followed by self imposed one girl only philosophy (which in hindsight was a terrible idea at age 12). And the rest of the time honing my "awkward" skills in general public, and of recent on twitter.

The only Rakhi I remember then, and recently has been one of dearest cousin sis who judiciously couriered it across to someone who could get it to me. Of course now that I'm in Mumbai I just go over. (vs. a phone call ten times in 2 minutes reminding me of who's boss - my nieces) I might not say it, but beneath this tough looking exterior lies a sucker for these kinda things. (sniff)

But this post is not about the beautiful relationship that is the crux of Raksha Bandhan. This is about the School version of Rakhi.

Weekend Getaways: Udaipur

The Glory of Udaipur. Seen here - Jagmandir, Taj Lake Palace, Fateh Prakash Palace, Oberoi Udai vilas, Lake Pichola

Hello you marshmallows.

How are you doing? Hows the weather? Is it raining heavily? Is it getting all foggy? Do you feel that the general public's notion of monsoon being romantic or being perfect for a cuppa coffee or tea, is a little too much?

Let me say a bit here. When the British left this country, they handed over a Mumbai that was equipped with drains. However, they obviously weren't clear in their bye-bye notes, because somewhere down the line the municipality, in keeping with our new traditions (the one where test tube babies were made in India, circa Ramayana / Mahabharata) decided the drainage was a waste of time, and water should be allowed to run along, like the force of nature that it is. So our roads are basically waterways and what you call potholes, are rather strategically placed markers that are used as a rating system for general incompetence and to direct the flow of water across roads. What fun.

My Tree of Life

Image Courtesy: www.osnatfineart.com/painting/5907-Tree-of-Life

It's been a while since I wrote. Writing to me is a way of expression, and my friends would know me to be an expressive person. Combined with the attention span of a kitten, and the enthusiasm of a jack in a box, I can be quite a challenge to any 5 year old.

If I look back at my posts over the last few years, I think I've written most when  my expression was constrained, bottled up in a pressure tight worldly container. In this period, I was under the misconception that I wrote to keep in touch with my creative side. I now realise that it was an escape for my soul that cried out for help, to get back to what came naturally to me - fun, happiness and goodness. The fact that I have not written for so long, in the above context is actually a good sign for me personally. 

Flying in Indian Skies

(Language and content warning.)

The first time I took a flight, or to be put more appropriately a wailing me was buckled down in the seat, was when I was in the 4th grade. Well, that was the first time I remember it at least.

It was Gulf Air, with pretty air hostesses in golden scarves who handed out toys to kids and took some of them along to the cockpit to meet the captain. This was of course before Laden and his cronies decided to fuck up everything and the chances of me ever getting to accomplish my wishes in this lifetime. (No, Not meeting the captain, the toys.)

Toys are now called collectibles when adults buy them. FYI. 

Elections 2014 - Dark Horse on Pink Elephants

There are 4 characters in this story. The Dark Horse, the Pink Elephant, The White Fluffy Rabbit and the Journalist.

* * *

This is an interview between the Dark Horse on the comments made by another political heavy weight, Pink Elephant.

Who Should you vote for?

Before we go ahead in this post, I would like to make it clear that I had actually written a very elaborate, serious post on what I "really" think of our political options in the current scenario. The result was that none of my views could be substantiated without an absurd amount of research, to which I was not enthusiastically inclined. I also realized that it would be literally impossible for me to hold my ground against any "tard" (Please add political party as required) because I had written about all our political parties. Which made me prime fodder for social media annihilation.

Also Arm Chair Activism Rocks.

A guide to the Auto Rickshaws of India

What a fantastic start to the new year. A lot of new records. Am sure you all saw or heard the interview of the year on a leading new channel a few days ago, or as I like to call it - "Papu panchvi class se thej nahin hai" with Arnab. This was also accompanied by the shortest overnight Dharna involving a CM by the AAP, and of course the highest number of  "Bhaiyon Bheno" speeches by the party that cannot be named.

Miu - The Cat

A couple of years ago, I wrote a post on the loss of Jimmy. The puppy eyed fellow who loved playing hide and seek around the kitchen.

Today I write about a sneaky, cute, skinny, hungry, bully, cat called Miu.

Inspiration writing - Jan 12, 2014

One of things I want to do this year is to write. Irrespective of the number of likes or shares, or fans knocking down my door, or being mobbed in the street or even if I have to keep my superhero identity in check, I will write.

The thing am trying today is to be inspired by the moment. Here goes.

I'm sitting in Costa coffee right now, and looking around I feel comfortable. In Bangalore I used to hit the Indiranagar Costa every Sunday at 5 for my favourite Caramelato and the book of the week. (Just as I was going to say its peaceful, a bunch of guys have landed their behinds on the inviting couch on my right. Not so peaceful) 

Today am here, reviving this long lost tradition. Hot chocolate has replaced the Caramelato, largely owing to a temporary craving. Am in those nice wooden sofa chairs which have those striped designs. The sort you would see in old clubs? But once you sit in them you realize its narrow at the base, so your ass feels like its being sucked in. There's also a small round wood table, A light bulb shines above it and am in the corner from where I have a view of the whole cafe. I've used my wallet to prop up my ipad mini, while my phones are on the left. 

A different New Year

I did something very different this year around. Apart from sticking to a home celebration in the company of my awesome self, I decided to make a good start. Usually I'd wake up on the first, wondering where I am, and continue sleeping till the noon.

This year however, I decided to accomplish all those things that I'd hope to do this whole year. It went far better than I expected.

1. Got up early and did a little MJ style dance to some music (I call it Andheri-pot-hole-road-walking) 

2. Talked to the parents and chaddi buddy

3. Cooked a healthy breakfast ( Sweet cream soaked grain with dry fruits, simmered to a consistency thats rich and melts in your mouth, you'd probably know it as oats in milk with 2 almonds)

4. Stepped out and went to Marine drive, strolled around, meditated to the sound of waves

5. Took the camera along, got some pics

6. Had a nice meal in a restaurant by the boulevard

7. Helped random person to read a message on the phone, since their glass were missing.

8. Went to Oberoi mall, roamed around, took random photos, checked out the gadgets and gizmos

9. Came back home, went for a walk

10. Went to the Andheri sports complex, started process to sign up for swimming

11. Came back, played a few games, watched TV

12. Spoke to friends

13. Wrote on the blog ;-) 

14. And finally will sleep before 12 tonight

So broadly that covers family, friends, food, travel, photography, writing, excercise and health. (Notice how I avoided mentioning Dance, I'd be crazy to dance like a inmate at the Big Boss house). This year I've also read the least number of books, and the least number of posts on the blog, which I hope to change. 

Social media will be something that will be a key hobby. I am active on Instagram and to some extent on Pinterest. A little on vine too. (Follow @2emkay I have cookies) but clearly it's an interest area I don't want to give up on.

Its been an extremely tough year, professionally and personally but that's done with. I am looking forward to this year, the key word being to work on self respect. If I achieve it this year with improving my health, I think I would have succeeded in moving miles ahead. 

Wish you all a very Happy New Year. Keep smiling :-)

M 

Diary Entry on 2013.

Dear Diary,

This year has been normal. Going by the general standard of every year, doing nothing that has saved lives of got more than 10 likes on Facebook. I did manage to get out of the country and back alive, un-scarred and without an accent. I've managed to keep my resolution of last year - not to have any resolutions for this year, so Yay me. Book reading has been pathetic, managing just 10 books to last years 40, but blame it on Congress (that seems to be the in thing these days). On the internet, am doing well. The blog has suffered here, but has done else where. *wink wink*

TV watching has considerably increased, largely for distraction. You remember that Star channel has now added new ones - Star World HD, Star World LOL, Star Sports 1, 2, 3, 4, (n-1) and as a result the new channels are showing re runs of programs that were watched when Michael Jackson was still...umm....Non-white. They also repeat the shows every third day, so I now know 2 and Half men episode 8,9,10 by heart.

I've also taken dearly to "Vodafone presents Big Boss season 7 presented by Dabur Chyawanprash only on Colors" which had its Finale today. The show is hosted by Salman Khan, that dude fellow who did that belt dance and that towel dance not so long ago. (You'd remember by my marvelous imitation of it post which I retired from dancing). I agree this guy has an amazing stage presence, so much so, that the organizers decided to make a stage that was 2 ft wider than his height.

In other news that Aam Aadmi fellow has become the Delhi CM. No, no not Rajnikanth re, Arvind Kejriwal. I have high hopes for him, he has really done very well for himself, hope he does so for the country also huh. Meanwhile these other political parties are shitting their cash laden pants, falling over themselves on what to do. But now we have the option of not voting for any of these parties, much like that "none of the above" option we had in Exams in college. Going by that logic, every time that option came in the exam paper, we knew it had to be the right answer. Pretty true for our country's politics too if you ask me.

And we come to the perennial issue diary, people are getting married left right center. I can no confidently say that the average has tilted in favor of people already hitched. After I wrote that last post on Shaadi.com I think they have put my profile in the recycle bin or something, because am getting all "Wan cute gud boy who lyk me and wil luvz me" type requests. #Facepalm only.

I got a new phone recently. The Nexus 5. I gave away...the iphone. It was getting too difficult you know, to keep holding the same thing. I know I promised to get the iphone 5s when it came out, but seriously I don't think I could pledge all my life savings on that thing. It also did not have a microwave built in so, Meh.

Next year, I am going to do something drastic. But am not sure how that will go. But as you know, planning for anything makes it harder to achieve. So let me leave it at that.

Laters
M

Boracay - The South East Asia Trip Part 5 Finale

Read Part 1 - Malaysia

Read Part 2 - Langkawi
Read Part 3 - Singapore

Read Part 4 - Philippines 

Borocay. The most beautiful piece of earth I have ever seen. Beige Sands, crystal clear water tinted blue and green like the sky, and such a lovely nightlife. It was not once that I contemplated buying a sail boat and settling down here, even if I had to become Madan Kumar MBA, Nariyal Pani Wala.

I can't stop gushing about this place. We stayed at a beautiful cottage right on the beach, come to think of it everything is either on the beach or not in Boracay. You will find all kind of people here, from the mainland as well as lots of tourists.

The Sky and water is JUST SO BLUE

One of the best things you can do is just walk around the pristine sand. They do not allow any food or drink on to the sands, and any one, usually locals will stop you from going on to the beach if they see you carrying something on to the sand. Apart from the view of natural beauty, you have lots of other activities like boating, scuba dyving, snorkeling, bid watching *wink wink* and the likes. The nights light up with all the pubs, bars and shows coming on to entertain. Each and every bar is different, some play live music on the sands, there are fire dances and drum solos, shopping of knick knacks and live food. (Check instagram on @2emkay) Getting a back massage in the sun is something you will never regret ever, especially if there's a cocktail near by and a cool breeze.

But enough about that boring stuff. Lets get right to the exciting part.

Fire show at the beach 

We decided to go snorkeling because we didn't have enough time for a full course of Scuba. Also my "Friend" almost lied his way to a dive, till the moment the instructor told us about impending death if we don't wait for a full 18 hours before catching a flight. (Nitrogen gets into your veins and it explodes and shit). So we merry 4 caught up with a friends, friends group to snorkel around the seas. 

It was beautiful, and as we dived into the water, I must say it was like swimming in a 360 degree aquarium. The oarsman basically throws bread crumbs and you see all these colorful little fish swim right up to your nose and its just mesmerizing. We then moved to an island for some rests and general buffoonery, before we headed back.

Now it was quite dark by the time we could see the shore lights, which was still a good 500 meters away when the boat suddenly stopped. Apparently, the tide was too low for the boat to go any further. We just ignored the guy like we ignore traffic signals in India. After 5 min of silence, it suddenly sunk in.

WE HAD TO WALK BACK TO THE FREAKING SHORE.

I watch discovery channel a lot, and my memory at these occasions quickly recalls venomous snakes, paralyzing Jellyfish, puffed up fish, etc. Not to mention pit holes, currents and clothing more appropriate for a bath, rather than adventure sports of this kind.

Slowly one by one, we got into the water, waist high. Putting all our gadgetry into plastic bags held high across our heads, and holding hands as we moved in single formation s-l-o-w-l-y across dark, murky waters. As we did so, we took a solemn vow to not take photographs, lest some evil sea creature attack us.

(Also wanted to avoid the utter embarrassment of 12, 29 somethings walking holding hands for dear life)

We tumbled, yelled, screamed (You'd be surprised at the squeals of some of these "stud" type guys have. PS - ladies, do a voice test before you get hitched) I got pricked twice by something on the super fine sea bed, because being taller meant being leaned on for support. 

FINALLY, we made it to the beach. Alive. In the process, we had a few injured people, 3 lost slippers (BC was losing the second pair in 2 days) and hurt pride. 

The Shooter menu for the 15 rounds

But this was not the end. Later in the evening we went to this place called Cocomangas, Shooter bar. For every round of 15 shots that you have, your country gets a point on the huge Score board. We had three rounds, and I don't remember a lot of the rest of the night.

Ok I Do, but am not telling you. *Insert sly smile*

Just note that we added 3 points to team India, holding up the pride of our Nation, as compared to certain people in the USA doing all hira kiri with maids and stuff. 

They Played Hindi numbers, we did the world famous in India train dance sequence and manged to hop out to another bar where some English douche was playing weird music. The rest of the night, without much detail as below.

- Fight breaks out

- Music stops, Spot light on fighters

- Fighters turn out to be 2 from our extended group (WTF?!!!)

- The opposition is a foreigner (Imagine Andre the giant)

- There are bouncers now

- Guys fall over a table

- Random female almost clobbers a guy with a bottle for spilling her drink from aforementioned table

- I don't think the guy knows

- Wait, someone punched the bouncer

- SHIT THERE ARE COPS NOW, HIDE. 

- People are being arrested and cuffed, I hear references to Sisters / Mothers in Hindi

- WTF is number 2 doing joking with the Foreigners friends?!!

- Sanity check - where are all core members. 1, 2 ,3....wait wheres 4?!!

- Panic for number 4. Number 3 confirms number 4 is with him

- All Clear

- Music is back on. Everyone's dancing.

- UPA is still in power in Delhi What the hell just happened?!!

I manage to reach home with number 2. What he said, in 7.1 Dolby Digital sound to the population of Boracay, Americans, Indians, Dogs, Random Rickshaw puller, Motorbike rider, Bar staff and the Universe is now between his conscience and them. I cannot say anymore. Time 4.30 am. I had been awake, dancing, a little tipsy (You have to believe me here, I was strangely sober) for about 28 hours now. My Camera was the only thing in my hand functioning normally. (Except for the dead battery)

The next day I fell sick. We were back in India in 3 days.

And that my friends, was the conclusion of our epic trip. From getting stranded at the airport to walking crazy distances, barging our way through to an airplane seat 9 hours after departure time, Racist slurs at a Casino to being held at Immigration, to the epic events in Boracay.

It was LEGEN *Wait for it* DARY!!!!

I also learned that no time is as good a time as now. You know those friends you have? Hold them close. It's hard to start from scratch, and a little here and there is fine in the long run. 

And remember kids, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!!!! 

Cheers

M