The One with the truth.

Dear Emkay,

Wow. A Whole year with no posts, and with the train still paused at the station.

If the end of the decade was at 2016, this year end post would be very different. With the whole world sharing how magical the decade has been, I know it's hard to stay true to what's in your mind. But it would be a terrible start if you didn't stay true to your self, and had some effing truth serum to keep it real.

Though it isn't really as bad as you'd like to make it out to be, as you've already begun to realize in the last few days. It's a small detour in the larger scheme of things, a bitter pill to get better, and as you've already planned out, get the coal in, burn that fuel, and move. At your own pace.

There's a lot to be grateful for in the past decade so to speak. But before we go there, it's important to summarize the books of text you've scribbled, into something that you can look back at anytime, and remember.

So here goes.

It's okay to be choosy. And please be really choosy on who you share your true self with, not every one can handle it, not everyone will be equally invested in it, not everyone can last the long journey of perpetuity, not everyone can climb over setbacks and misunderstanding, and most importantly not everyone deserves it and you don't either.  The one's who can, are with you, and will be smiling broadly when they see this. The other's will probably go - what the fuck happened?!

That being said, you've gone a complete 180 in the last 10 years, and that's not right either. You can't wear your heart on your sleeve, but then go sleeveless. 

*joke*

As you've grown older, and ultimately more wise, a critical part is the concept of balance. Just because you invest 100%, doesn't naturally mean someone else will too, especially given that they have their own lives. It's just not how people are. So pull back a little, balance it out a little, give and take and repeat.

A parent getting disabled, the other almost going through a health issue, overly romantic and heavy whirlwind romance that ended as badly as it probably could, the could have been's and the should have been's, the regrets, a really trying time professionally, a possible life threatening accident that you escaped unscathed from. An emotional fucking mess, a complete break down of trust in people, and a lack of purpose. All in such a short time of 2 years have clouded so much good of the decade.

That's tough. And it's okay. It's an experience and it's okay to feel whatever you are feeling. But you've been here time and time again. And you're still here.

I know that you hurt the most when people you trust misunderstand you and doubt your intent, but that's okay. And you hate yourself when you completely misunderstand others and get taken for a ride. But that's the cost of being you. You must know by now that you are not easy to fathom for most people, for better or for worse.

Remember the investment rule. Balance. If they don't get you now, they probably never did anyway. Try to mend the bridge, but don't bother doing it completely by yourself, especially to a shore that doesn't exist.

Forgive, forget, and Fuck off from there. 

But it's also important to pick yourself up again. To remember & celebrate those that stood by. To get back on the airplane to that new destination, life goes on. And you must go on. To newer experiences and most probably newer heartaches, but to go on. Fucking get up man!!!

There are those that want to see you succeed. Those who call you without you telling them that you are down. Those incidences that occur when you least expect them to. The people that you love more than yourself, and you've grown far away from them - get back to them. They are special and rare. Let them know.

(The Lost Village Boys. Masti Language. Bangalore Gang. And the other's singular's. I love you.)

Emkay, there's a universe that's watching, and if you only put your heart and soul into what you choose to chase, there's no stopping you. No one ever has. And No one ever will.

"You are only limited by your own fears and inaction." - Wasn't this your motto? So be it. Turn back the time and pick up from 2016. Be the Super Attractor you were.

Live consciously.
Practice Radical Candor.
Laugh at your own jokes.
Hum and sing, abashedly.
Keep talking about things nobody gets.
Dance
Please read, please.
Find the one. About fucking time.
Do things. Just Do.


The next decade is yours. Begin well.

Cheers
A wiser Emkay.

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है

ये कैसी मुश्किल  आई है
चैन से रो भी नहीं सकता
कैसे नींद आयेगी मुझे
यादें तुम्हारे रोक नहीं पाता

दील टूटा नहीं
संभल के रखा है
यह मेरी लिए नहीं
तेरे लिए धडकता है

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है
ग़म मनाने का वक़्त नहीं
मेरी उदासी कहीं तुझे न लग जाये
इस ख्याल में हस्ता रेहता हूँ

माफ़ कर दे, गलती हम से हो गयी
क्या करें, पता ही नहीं चला
और जब पता चल गया
थो दिल चुप न रेह सखा

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है
तेरी आहट से दिन बनती है
और तेरी परछाई से श्याम
जब थू ही नहीं, थो क्या दिन, और क्या श्याम

जानता हूँ की दिन दूर नहीं
की मेरी नज़र से नफरत हो जाएगी तुम्हे
एक नज़र से शुरू
और उसी से कथम

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है
बीच बातों में तेरा नाम लेता हूँ
जी थो लूँगा तुम्हरे बिना
पर तेरे रुह से बंधा हूँ

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है



(I had penned this down in 2014. It remained in my drafts for a long time, and make no mistake, I am no poet nor is my Hindi any good. But then again, it held meaning. I was rummaging through the drafts, and I thought - Why not? Grammar & Spelling corrections welcome :)

What happened in Dec 2017

Hey there!

Nice to see you back on the blog. I must say that I wouldn't blame you if you thought that three posts in 2017 more or less signalled the end of 10 years of this site. But, nope.

I think this post has been a while in my mind and I don't think I've debated so much about writing a post as much as this one. Some of you might have noticed my prolonged absence from Social Media till about March, and even then hardly on facebook at all. It has been a choice to silence all the noises and questions in my mind, to keep it calm and not jump at the very tempting stimulus that the online world has to offer.

After a long time, I've decided to write this as a way to overcome and accept the changes that came into my life on Dec 5th 2017, around 7 pm. My mother called me to inform me that they were rushing to the hospital as my Dad had a stroke.

My Mid year appraisal.

Dear M,

Hola!

It's me and Columbus, in Spain

Welcome to the latest in random thoughts and mumbling from my "bored, lazy, yet determined to keep this space alive" self. It's not the first time I've been gone for long, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Hah! used clickbait headlines, but will make it up to you if you read on. Promise.

Of course make no mistake - I have long forgone the thoughts of being a consistent writer, which requires some semblance of linear thought or being adept at bringing together seemingly disjointed ideas into a interesting narrative over a period of time - (I'll let George Martin get the fame on that one) I have also come to the sad conclusion that I do not enjoy documenting my experiences on travel beyond instagram stories or photos - given probably to my fascination with the next thing I interact with, as inanimate or irrelevant may it be to most adults. Attention Deficit I think they call it.

Ooooh look a butterfly! 

For those wondering, this post took me 6 hours, 2 4 episodes of Fringe, lunch, 2 breaks, one coffee, an hour of contemplation on who really wrote history (victors or losers) and redding 100 odd pages of the Amazon book, to finish. I allow myself these liberties on weekends.

Inspiration: Meet Subodh Vishwakarma: from Cab to Cannes

Meet Subodh Vishwakarma from Bodhgaya. He drives an Ola by day, and I've had the luck of having him drive me to office twice in the span of one month. The first time I met him, he was clean shaven and formally dressed. He saw my guitar and began discussing music. He was a poet, wrote Ghazals and was also learning the flute, which was on the dashboard of the car. I was impressed by his aspiration and desire to achieve his dream. He had subscribed to the writers association and was looking for support to make an album of his Ghazals, sung by none other than the top Bollywood singers.

The Fault in our Thoughts

Fault (verb): In geology, a fault is a planar fracture or discontinuity in a volume of rock, across which there has been significant displacement as a result of rock mass movement.

Dear M,

Indulge me just a bit, in the misuse of fault in the title of the post. For that is what summarises an exceptionally amazing and unique 12 months that have passed. And as I laze around in the first few days of 2017, it is what I will need to remember for the challenges ahead.

Sometimes, it is important to put feelings and experiences into words, lest those feelings get lost in the quicksand of time. And with it, the risk of forgetting all those lessons that one should learn. History has a habit of repeating itself, and while it doesn't happen often with me, one particular chapter keeps repeating again, and again, and off late, again. However, this year I write not of just that chapter that is a recurring theme in my end of the year posts, but of everything else.

The fault in my thoughts. 

The one with Madrid - Spanish Escape Part 4

This is a part of a series on my travels to Spain. Read the previous post here.

Real Madrid's Beautiful Stadium - The Bernabeu

After bidding adieu to Bilbao, I took a bus to Madrid. In my mind, Madrid was going to blow my mind. However, of all the cities I went to Madrid was my least favorite except for the great Airbnb experience - I was hosted by professional musicians! It was really sad that I could not get to an actual performance as I had to leave on the day of the show.

The one with Bilbao - Spanish Escape Part 3

This is a part of a series on my travels to Spain. Read the previous post here.

Scenic Bilbao!

It's hard to top Barcelona. I mean it really, really is hard to top great music, food and the feel good factor that comes with a beautiful city that is so free, passionate and yet welcoming of the millions that come there every year. Not to mention that this continues while the internal conflict on autonomy continues. Of course at the end of the day, it is a tourist heaven and commercialised, but honestly, 4 days is hardly justice to Barcelona. But as a backpacker, time is the most expensive commodity you have, so you soak and smile, and keep moving!

But Bilbao just took awesome to a whole new level! 

The one with more of Barcelona - Spanish Escape Part 2

This is part of a series on my travels to Spain. Read the previous post here

When RT first kept telling me to visit the Sagrada Familia, I had no clue what it was. I thought it was some kind of former Mafia place converted to a Pizza museum or something. And even though there is Google, my love of last-moment-procrastination meant that RT needed to spell it out for me to actually note it down (a day odd before flying) and then see that it was considered the 8th Wonder of the world, and will be completed by 2026, A Hundred and Fifty years after construction began.

Yup, I'm going to Barcelona in 2026. That's how un-missable it is.

It's probably the most magnificent structure I have seen in my life (I've not seen the Taj Mahal yet). In fact I would go as far as to say I do not think that there ever will be any structure that can top this. Each facade of the structure has a story to tell and is an architectural wonder. When it is completed, it is expected to be taller than every other structure in Barcelona - natural or man made. The reason that it is so brilliant is the structure is made of innovations in design, structure, material to achieve effects that go with the idea and ethos of the structure - essentially, Christian Philosophy. Every part of the structure is present by design - no matter how small, no matter what it is - a statue, a scripture or even a piece glass. 

The Nativity Facade

The one where we went to Barcelona - Spanish Escape Part 1

If anyone asked me at the start of the year if I would travel to Europe in 2016, I would have probably scoffed at the idea. Not that I don't like to travel, I love it. However, with time, the weight of responsibilities and commitments takes it's toll on everyone. And that means that traveling together as a old gang of friends would be very difficult.

No, this is not us. It's my impression of us. 

Often, the best memories I have are the ones with my friends when we go out. Like the time when we almost ran away from the hotel we were staying in without paying them in Langkawi. Or the airport Fiasco in Manila and the Bar fight in Boracay! But irrespective of what happens, it's always something that we all look back at with fondness. I wouldn't be wrong to say that our favorite has to be getting stuck atop a pass in Ladakh.

Nonetheless, It's been awhile since I've come back from Spain, and I've been shoddy with the updates. I've only got over the whole adventure just a few weeks ago. A part of me does not want to write about it - only to cherish the memories at my own pace. And I don't even know where to start - should it be about all the places I've been to or all the amazing people I met. Or perhaps stuff that was off the beat or  those small moments in an unknown world that makes you realise the joy of the little things.

I went alone but I don't think I came back the same.

The one where it comes together

He slid open the sliding glass door of his book shelf, and looked inside. These were books that had a lot of sentimental value but didn't stand a chance against his collection of must read books just a shelf above. Most of them were notes or thoughts pen downed at moments of deep reflection or angst, and while time had erased the feelings and emotions, the books remained a testament.

The one with the Tea Stain

Read the first part here

Moving houses was a pain. Packing was a pain. And doing it all on her own was an even larger pain. But she was grateful that at least it was happening during the break so the home was relatively calm.

Source: https://www.quora.com/What-is-a-cutting-chai

The one with the Wedding card

He never understood it. Even till the last day, the last ride, the last handshake, the last rebuke, the last few steps away and the last fleeting glance, he would never, truly understand. 

The one with Ending a Relationship

Source: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/healing-heartbreak-lessen-pain/

For the last few months I've been having relationship issues. It's sometimes on, sometimes off kind of thing and its damn frustrating. To be honest it started off very well and when it did, things were rocking. I don't remember a single instance when we ever had the slightest of disagreements nor even a feeling of "is this what we want?" kind of thing. If anything, I for one just wanted more, and faster. But in the last three months things have come to such a standstill, that I have had to do some serious introspection and finally, today, with a heavy heart, I had to call it off. 

The one with Divorce, Love and Relationships

If I were a popular content writer like some of the people at Thought Catalog, I'd have named this "16 signs that you shouldn't rush into marriage" and then follow that up with something like "16 reasons you should not listen to any advice about marriage". But I thought, why not? It shouldn't be that difficult to write a generic, feel - good, post about things I have no experience about.

Even though I had some brilliant  pointers like "Does she know which level of Assassin's Creed you are on?" and "Dump him if he forgets the number of dresses you have", I gave it up in the quest of a more serious topic of conversation, given that seems to be how my mind has been roaming around of late.

The one with What scares you the most ?

A couple of weeks ago I was at Bangalore and found myself in the midst of a most unusual conversation. Most party conversations would include good natured leg pulling, gossip or something else of a more spirited nature, etc unless the first that came to your mind reading the word "party"was to do with any political one in which we case we can't be friends anymore.

Seriously, stop watching Times Now. 

The one with God, Religion & Humanity

The evolution of one's belief is primarily through what one has been taught, learnt and experienced over time. If you are one of those who has very strong beliefs on Religion, God or any related topics are are the easily offended, then you probably won't enjoy this post.


*my blog, my rules*

Religion is a very strange topic. People love to fight over religion using "God's" shoulder to fire from. It is rather ironical that the religions that we see today, have nothing to do with the virtue's and purposes that it was meant to eschew, or that's about as much credit as I would give it.

The one with Internet, Rickshaw Economics and Bangalore

Hello! And welcome back to your favorite weekly commentary on the most inane things that go on in my life. You may have missed the last 2 posts, but that’s because the last two posts are yet to materialise and yours truly has been gallivanting about Bangalore and the other town I call home. Technically, I’m still at home, but this time around I have mobile – internet connectivity, a cause for celebration in itself. Hence, I’m posting this blog post from my home – the first time ever, and probably the first ever from this town even.

Cue - Collective cheer and applause.

I am bit disappointed though that the charm of saying that oh-my-village-so-rural is gone now, what with 24 hour electricity (Ha Ha Ha Bangalore!) and network connectivity (Ha Ha Ha Bangalore Airtel users!), but yay for development! (Ha Ha Ha Bangalore roads!)

And of course, while we travel there is always scope for an interesting story. Sometimes I feel like I’m a complication story magnet, what with Taxi drivers and Auto drivers giving me regular fodder for thought. And Bangalore did not disappoint. 

Driver has Mobile - TV enabled on his Rickshaw. Welcome to Bangalore, people. 

My Auto driver (in Bangalore they are called 'Auto’s' unlike 'Rickshaw’s' in Mumbai) had a very interesting analogy to describe why the Bangalore Metro’s completion would still not solve the burgeoning traffic problem disaster. I shall try my best to give you the same flavour as he did in Kannada.

The one with the Good, the Bad and the Birthday

Look at poor old me not even wanting to eat cake but being forced to. 

I'd like to take a minute and thank you for being here and reading this. And I'm talking to all the thousands* of my weekly readers because you make my keyboard go clickety clack every Sunday evening. So Thank you.

*All 10 email subscribers, after 8 years of writing and all the beer I bribed you guys with

*Not you R, you've not even activated your email yet. You're a good for nothing, sneaky little rat. Nevamind. 

Break Free

Have you ever felt
A weight so heavy
that you can't lift your head
your hands want to bury deep
into your pockets,
At your sides
worried

Have you ever felt
the hooks of the past
buried so deep in your back
the more you pull forward
it claws you, hurts
and you just want to give in
tired

Have you ever felt
the urge to throw everything
to break, destroy anything
after being broken yourself
for so long
restless

Have you ever felt
to just scream your lungs out
to listen, to do,
what your heart cries for
without a care?
wanting

Have you ever felt
chasing after a dream
a need, a desire
but left disappointed
unable to understand
helpless

Then its time,

It's time you felt
the sun shine a warmth
through the eyes
who see you admirably,
for who you are
Believe

It's time you felt
those arms reaching out to you
Calling, embracing
drawing you close
Holding you tight
Trust

It's time you felt
those smiles and cheers
smother all your fears
picking up those pieces
to keep you together
Strong

It's time you felt
the little song in your heart
tunes and beats
that only you can hear
when you see
who's with you
Together

It's time you felt
that you are not alone
let go of what was
to let in what can be
Love is beautiful
possible

Break Free.


M